Florida Friday: Mom Arrested After Hosting the Awesomest House Party

This is far from the craziest Florida Friday story we’ve ever reported, but the picture it paints of Florida house parties is just… (*kisses fingers*)

A 39-year-old Palm Beach Shores mom (pictured above) was arrested after police showed up to her house where she’d been hosting a drinking party for 26 neighborhood teens. Which would make her just about the coolest mom ever, if she hadn’t locked her 7-year-old son in the bathroom the whole time. Also, when the police broke in, they found her hiding in a closet under a pile of clothes, the way I imagine Nick Nolte sleeps most nights.

(*banjo music*)

Police said they were called to a Palm Beach Shores apartment complex Monday night in reference to a large group of people possibly fighting outside. When officers arrived, the partygoers ran inside an apartment and refused to come out.

A neighbor told police that he and his wife were concerned because a child lives in the apartment.

“Won’t someone PLEASE think of the children!” Ugh, there’s always some pearl clutcher tryin’ to keep you from partyin’.

According to the police report, officers knocked on the door and tried to get the partygoers to let them in, but they yelled obscenities and told the officers to go away. Kiernan waited about 20 minutes to open the door and appeared “extremely intoxicated,” so much so that she couldn’t stand without leaning against the door, the report stated.

When one of the officers insisted on entering the apartment to check on her child’s welfare, Kiernan refused and hid behind the partygoers, who slammed the door shut and barricaded it with their bodies, the report stated.

Police said the partygoers threatened the officers and said they were going to “stand their ground against the police with force” if they tried to enter.

Ah, good old stand-your-ground laws. Has any other legislation so effectively inspired its citizens to assholery?

As more officers were called and tried to get inside, they received “a written notice of demands” that the partygoers slid under the door, the report stated.

I’ve never wanted anything so much as I want to see what was on that list of demands right now. “I want a helicopter, $20,000 in unmarked bills, 26 carne asada burritos, and a corgi in a bow tie or else I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL FINISH THIS WHISKEY, ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!” (*picks up Molotov cocktail, chugs it, passes out*)

Police eventually broke down the door and rounded up the teen partygoers. Among the partygoers was a 16-year-old girl who was found chocking on her own vomit in the hallway bathroom, the report stated. She was taken to St. Mary’s Medical Center.

“Chocking on her vomit?” Oh right, I forgot this was being reported by other Flordians. …Floridians. Whatever.

Officers found Kiernan “hiding in a closet buried under a heaping mound of clothes,” the report stated.

They also had to break down a bathroom door to get to her 7-year-old son, who told police that “his mommy locked him in the bathroom,” the report stated.

Kiernan’s ex-husband told police she “likes to party with young teenage boys.”

Nice of them to omit the part where he held his open fist next to his face and pushed his cheek out with his tongue right after he said that.

Kiernan also faces one count each of child abuse, resisting an officer without violence and giving false information to a law enforcement officer. [WESH]

My sources tell me Kiernan plans to plead “Sorry for Partying,” which is a valid legal defense in Florida, along with “Sharks.”