Gary Busey wants to buttplug some cows so they don’t fart piranhas onto him

Gary Busey recently sat down for an interview with Empire magazine, and I thought long and hard about including just this next excerpt without context or comment:

On weight loss: “A good way to lose weight is to put salt on your ass and go to a petting zoo. But stay away from goats because I’ve seen them fornicate with a mail box.”

But in the end, it’s Gary Busey we’re talking about here, and I couldn’t very well deny you the rest of these quotables:

On his role in Piranha 3DD: “I play a farmer. A cow explodes because of its farting ability and out of it come hundreds of piranha, raining down on me. You’ll see how I treat one of them.”

“I treat him with kindness and respect, because piranhas can smell hospitality. I learned that from a beaver.”

Next year he’s also planning to release a book called Buseyisms, full of the acronyms he’s been creating since 1999. “‘NASCAR’ stands for Non-Athletic Sport Centred Around Rednecks. ‘SOBER’ is Son Of a Bitch, Everything’s Real'” Etc. He’s also due to appear on Celebrity Wife Swap and to work on musical projects and a solo stage show.

I once asked Gary Busey if he’d created an acronym for “commercials”, and he just punched me hard across the mouth.

His idea for a film: “I’ve got a great one. There’s a guy, he’s a wilderness guy, and he comes in to civilization and tunes into the world news. He learns about the gangs – the Crips and the Bloods and such – and builds a camp for them. Near that part of the woods the wilderness man senses a very negative vibration, and they don’t know what evil lurks there but there is evil. And what happens is at first the Crips and the Bloods start attacking each other, people are getting stabbed, but then the wilderness man comes in and starts taking them on, and there’s no way they can handle him, so he starts teaching them self-defence.”

Gary Busey once caught two bumblebees, which he named “Crips” and “Bloods” and put in a mason jar. Then he shook it up, shouted “GANG WARFARE!” and threw it at a meter maid.

On his dream role: “I’d like to play you [Empire], in a pornographic movie. In fact, I’m going to direct you in a pornographic movie. You’ll dress up like a woman and have Mr. Corndog [Empire’s photographer] come in and inflate your ego. (Pause) You having a good time, Nick [de Semlyen]? I like your style. So authentic and not at all like an interviewer. And I’ve had lots of interviewers. I like the way you’re wiggling your right leg, because that means you’re sublimating some eager energy through that part of your body. I like that. Your dominant arm is your right arm. Your dominant eye is probably your left. That’s what you naturally keep open while you’re shooting a gun.”

“My right eye used to be my dominant eye, until I jabbed it with a pencil. Now it knows who’s boss.”

His suggestion for a follow-up feature: “Bring me over to your country and we’ll do an exclusive interview for Empire magazine where Gary Busey picks several people to make a Buttplug Patrol and we’ll go out at dawn and buttplug some cows.” [Empire]

“The cows’ buttholes are loosest near dawn, which I learned gradually over the years, through trial and error. I even created a Buseyism for it — BUTTPLUG, Busey’s Unlicensed Tail Transgression Putting Longhorns Under Guard. Of course, you folks don’t have longhorns here in England, which is why I brought these wading boots.”