Chris Campbell noooooo: Excerpts from Grown Ups 2’s first positive review

Well son of a bitch. Grown Ups 2‘s perfect Bucky Larson has already been ruined, and it wasn’t even because I put out the Armond White beacon. Turns out the culprit was, strangely, one of the sanest (in my opinion) critics around, FilmSchoolRejects’ Christopher Campbell.

Sandler must’ve paid him off, I mean listen to this glowing rave:

As for me, all I can say is I didn’t dislike it. It astounded me too much with its nonsense, and it’s not nearly as offensive as I’d anticipated. So I have no real issue with it. I might have even smiled once or twice at something ridiculous.

This is a movie that opens with Sandler’s character, Lenny, waking up to the sight of a big buck deer staring back at him in his bedroom. His wife (Salma Hayek) sees it, screams and the animal rears and then pisses in Sandler’s face. They chase it around the house, it eats the dog’s food, pisses again on Lenny’s showering/masturbating teen son and then finally exits through the front door, which had been left open all night. And that winds up being the most logical moment for all of the next 100 minutes.

…a mostly plotless movie.

At one point it’s revealed that Lenny’s middle child is a shockingly gifted placekicker. Then Lenny trips and breaks the boy’s leg, blowing his future. The man also tells his kids they’re ugly while objectifying their mother as being an unlikely catch for their kind.

And in the movie’s climax, they battle against pretty much every other character from the movie (each of them dressed as a different 1980s icon, because they’re all at an impromptu 1980s-themed party at Lenny’s home) in the goofiest extensive rumble since the detour fight in The Cannonball Run. One guy is literally thrown over a house.

It’s a pretty weird movie, like an aimless Simpsons episode filled with all the colorful ensemble but without any of the cleverness, and Homer is the smartest guy in Springfield.

…feels like a cakewalk for a bunch of people who probably couldn’t have cared less about making it other than the anticipation of more money.

 It’s definitely not as horrible as it’d been made out to be.  It’s still pretty dumb and juvenile and sexist and mean; the lack of a real premise makes it seem even more like a basic cash grab.

Jeez, bro, are you through gushing? What are you, their publicist? FilmSchoolRejects should be ashamed to employ a film “critic” who’s so clearly in the tank for Happy Madison like this. I mean really.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go chug beer because the review mentioned Melanie Hutsell. It’s this drinking game I’ve been playing with myself since ’96.