FilmDrunk

This Week In Movie Posters: The Wait For ‘Hail, Caesar’ Begins

This Week In Posters is back, and this week, we start with All Roads Lead to Rome, which is clearly a rom-com starring Sarah Jessica Parker. Pretty self-explanatory, the designer really didn’t have to do much heavy lifting here. I’m also going to assume that the male interest is Italian. Partly because the lead actor’s name is “Raoul,” but mostly because of that diagonal suit pocket. Why do all Italian men wear asymmetrical clothing? Is there a special shop for that? “Mamma mia, lookata thees-a suit-a pocket! She’s a-side-a-ways! Bellissima!”

Also, does anyone else wish this was called “Rome If You Want To” and had the B-52s singing the theme song? Just me then? Okay, fine.

It’s only January and already we have a contender for worst floating head poster design of 2016. I love Karen Allen and all, but is she really enough of a draw that you have to try to squeeze her floating head in there, to the detriment of everything else? And… why is she inside the soldier’s torso? That sort of defeats the purpose of a silhouette, doesn’t it? And just a random picture of her wearing a scarf? What was I supposed to get out of this? This is one of those posters where it looks like the marketing guy kept giving the poster designer a million obnoxious, contradictory notes, and the designer gave him everything he wanted out of spite.

The poster design is so bad that I almost didn’t notice that the title sounds like something Eli Manning would say getting up from a sack.

Here’s a new Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice poster that’s made out of… other posters! So meta! Anyway, the focus is clearly on the chins, which is a strong choice. I enjoy the contrast of Batman’s angry, hungover dad stubble and Superman’s perfectly smooth, baby butt chin. Honestly, every time I look at Henry Cavill I wonder if he’s photoshopped. No human man has ever looked so much like a cartoon superhero. With a face like that, I bet he has special DNA, like Leelu Multipass.

Finally, a movie called The Bronze that’s not about my muscular buttocks. Anyhoo, the poster designer wisely chose to focus on the styling here, which is a good decision as it’s pretty amazing. Melissa Rauch manages to evoke Kerri Strug or someone pretty hard without being a direct copy of anyone. You could make a case that the bangs are sort of Tonya Harding-esque, but even then, not exactly. It nails the spirit without biting specific details.

Here’s the red-band trailer, incidentally.

Ha, she said “taint.”

I assume this is a movie depicting the history of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict I learned so much about in You Don’t Mess With The Zohan.

That’s her own hand, right? She’s being choked by her own hand? I like to imagine there’s a mean, older brother ghost standing behind her going, “Why you choking yourself? Why you choking yourself, huh?” And then he sits on her stomach and taps her sternum with his bony index finger and won’t get off until she whistles Yankee Doodle.

“He died during a tragic wedgie prank and now he’s a dickhead older brother torturing the living for all eternity.” Hey, that’s not a bad idea, actually.

This is the first Dirty Grandpa poster that didn’t make me sigh for 10 minutes, which is quite the coup for this poster designer. I don’t know what to focus on here, how fit De Niro is for his age (72!), or how tight Zac Efron’s pants are. The biggest problem with this movie is that the stylist worked way too hard to make Zac Efron seem like a pussy and massively overdid it. You can have pastel pants, a cute sweater, or look like Zac Efron, you can’t do all three. That is not a human person anymore.

Bold move, making this conceptual a poster when you’ve got Kevin Spacey and Michael Shannon in your movie. They clearly believe in the concept, and they might not be wrong. Who’s playing who, by the way? I could see it going either way.

/checks IMDb…

It seems Michael Shannon is playing Elvis. Yes I will watch this.

This poster for Eye in the Sky squeezes in a ton of information while still feeling like artwork. There’s also the slight visual implication that Helen Mirren is some kind of drone-controlling Robocop, which is pretty cool.

Is this the coolest poster ever made for a movie that looks kind of crappy? Discuss.

Why is Matthew McConaughey all dirty again? Settle down, guy, you already won the Oscar. When I look at this poster, all I can think about is that scene in Zoolander where Derek goes to work in the coal mines. What is this about? Coal mines? Based on the poster, I don’t even know what era it takes place in.

As civil war divides the nation, a poor farmer from Mississippi leads a group of rebels against the Confederate army. [IMDb]

Ohhhh. Now I get it. Thanks for nothing, poster.

That kind of looks like Josh Gad. Does this star Josh Gad? It better not star Josh Gad. You’d think if that was Josh Gad it would say it somewhere on the poster, but I’ve been tricked into having to see Josh Gad before and now I’m not taking any chances.

It’s someone playing for his dead brother, anyway. “His brother’s life was the question and the answer.” Wait, how is that possible? “His brother’s life” isn’t even a full sentence. He must’ve walked on at an SEC school with that kind of grammar.

I will forgive the normally infuriating mis-matched faces and names thing, and the wildly overused “Lights. Camera. ____.” tagline structure, only on account of that image of George Clooney with his Trojan helmet on the floor is so great. And also because this movie looks incredible. I can’t wait for this. I may camp out before the premiere in a sailor suit. Hail, Caesar is my Star Wars.

Another strong conceptual poster, for Ben Wheatley’s High-Rise. It looks cool, but the fact that Tom Hiddleston and Jeremy Irons are in it seems like something you might want to mention, no? Sometimes a poster is great at being art and bad at being a teaser at the same time.

All the marketing for Jane Got A Gun seems really adamant about reminding me that Jane indeed has a gun. And what a gun it is! So long. Could use a little more girth, in my opinion, but still. Anyway, good luck with all of that. Natalie Portman as a tough cowgirl? Yeah, sorry I’m not buying that.

I also liked this better when it was called Bad Girls.

Jeez, that orangutan looks bigger than the bear. He’s huge! I know he’s in the foreground, but so are the monkeys in front of him, who look like they could fit in the palm of his hand. I’m telling you, that orangutan’s as big as a house! I bet your mom hears that all the time.

Hey! That monster looks like an axolotl! Great, I’ve always wanted to see a movie about a humorous axolotl.

axolotl
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The fringed gills are mother nature’s way of warning you he likes to party.

I don’t know, the fact that they couldn’t match the eyelines on the poster doesn’t give me great hope for the movie.

This looks like it rates at least four Downton Abbeys on the Englishness scale. I’m not sure I could even handle it. It looks like it’s going to spot my dick and banger my mash and so forth.

Also, I like to imagine that the bride is only “abominable” because she’s trying to get Sherlock to stop hanging out with his man servant all day. “Watson, aren’t girls yucky?”

“Indubitably.”

So, it’s about a “highway to hell,” so to speak.

It’s a good thing the pull quote calls it “sensitive,” I never would’ve known from the pastel brush stroke fading into an acoustic guitar neck. It is pretty impressive that they managed to evoke a sensitive acoustic guitar track using only a still image. You try that. Anyway, I hope these two nice white folks in boots and formless rain jackets eventually kiss. Talk about selling the sizzle!

I’m posting the trailer here because I love Jason Sudeikis:

So… Rebecca Hall falls for a smart alecky writer guy in a flannel shirt, and there are dog reaction shots? Damn this movie for knowing all of my triggers. I want to hate this, but if I’m being honest, I would strum the lamest PBS bumper if it meant Rebecca Hall would fall for me. I would strum so hard for her. I’d probably even close my eyes and sing in a falsetto. I think I just explained John Mayer’s origin story.

Vince Mancini is a writer and comedian living in San Francisco. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.

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