This Week In Posters: ‘High-Rise’ Is Still Winning At Posters

This week in This Week in Posters, we have one of the finest crops of movie posters I can remember. Unfortunately, we’re starting with this character poster for Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice. Sorry, luck of the draw.

Anyway, I believe this one features Jeremy Irons as… Wally? Wendell? The W Hotel? I don’t know. Up until now, I thought I had a pretty good idea of the characters in Superman and/or Batman. According to IMDb, Irons is playing Alfred Pennyworth, aka Alfred, Batman’s butler. Which means the W stands for… Wonder Woman? Wikipedia? No idea. Everything about this one is a mystery, from the fact that the normally tuxedoed butler appears to be wearing coveralls, to all the debris flying through the air. I’m used to seeing this guy give advice on vichyssoise and drink Fernet Branca, excuse me if I’m a little confused by him wearing a mechanic’s suit and smart eyeglasses in the middle of an electrical storm.

X… Lex…. There’s an X in Lex! Yay, I think I get this one! Anyway, Eisenberg’s Lex Luthor looks like they tried to combine emo and old money. I’m not saying the combination doesn’t happen in life, it’s just rare for it to be expressed in the same wardrobe. Also, could comic book movies stop using the cutting of hair for a big reveal? This has been done at least 100 times now (at least twice just in Zack Snyder movies, if you count this one). “Ooh, the bald guy has long hair at the beginning!” “Ooh, the normally clean-shaven guy has a big beard!” Gee, I wonder if they’ll trim down to prepare for battle. It’s bizarre how often manscaping is a comic book movie plot point, but I suppose it makes sense. It is the most homoerotic of genres.

If I didn’t already know Amy Adams was in this movie, there’s no way I would’ve known this was her. That said, she’s looking remarkably put together for someone who’s apparently standing in a wind storm big enough to blow around garage-door sized chunks of concrete. Not a single hair out of place. Must be all that experience as a high-powered reporter. “That’s right, Bob, the random chunks of desaturated sh*t are really starting to come down now! Anyway, back to you.”

Good thing they put all those names at the top. No way I’d see a Cabin Fever remake unless it starred… uh… “Gage Golightly.” No way. That cannot be a real name. Also, what’s with horror movies that they have to take every comedic horror movie and remake it without the comedy? At least, that’s what I assume they did with this one. I love Cabin Fever, though I remember it mostly for “Why do you shoot squirrels?” “Because they’re gay.” and “Oh, he’s a professor. …Of being a dog!

Not exactly the kind of movie that you’d sell with the image of someone crying blood. At this rate, all it needs is a slowed-down creepy cover of a popular song in the trailer.

Remember when I told you this week’s posters were really good? Even this poster for a generic-seeming haunted house movie has a pretty cool poster. Bit of an unimaginative title though, “The Darkness.” I wonder if the family is going to ward off demons by singing “I Believe In A Thing Called Love.” Demons hate falsetto.

Remember when I said this week had great posters? I wasn’t including The Divergent posters in that statement. It’s a testament to Divergent‘s blandness that even with a dystopian wasteland, a ray gun, and spaceships flying around in the background, Divergent can still look infuriatingly bland. And I’m pretty sure they put the names on the wrong sides just to piss me off.

This poster leaves me both scared and intrigued. Meryl Streep with one eyebrow and Hugh Grant looking utterly British in a completely new way? Count me in. Also, she has an American Beauty thing going on with the rose petals. What do the yellow ones symbolize? I need Sam Mendes here to guide me through the levels.

This is one of the greatest posters I’ve ever seen. I love this poster so much I actually texted it to Burnsy while I was writing this post. “She was an uptown rich girl who loved ballet and her twin poodles. He was a bad boy violinist.”

I didn’t know about this movie before today, but I have high hopes. I’m expecting Save The Last Dance meets Whiplash. Alternate title: Forbidden Love at Juilliard. Wait. Do you think she’s also deaf? Oh my God I hope she’s a deaf ballerina and he’s a blind violinist. This could be the greatest movie of all time.

Remember when I said this week might be the best batch I’ve ever featured? Well, I was thinking specifically of this High-Rise poster. I don’t even know what to say here other than yes.

It’s so shiny and ornate and graphical, but without overdoing it. This is like Baz Luhrmann with restraint.

Luke Evans definitely wants to film you pee.

And just when I thought High-Rise couldn’t look any better, BOOM, it’s Jeremy Irons and a happy doggy! Run, doggy! Don’t you know that’s Scar from the Lion King? He’s probably going to eat you! Here, jump into my outstretched arms and be my best friend!

I don’t know why Jeremy Irons has all those pockets, but I bet it’s for something sinister. Anyway, I have his dog now.

“From the producer of Maleficent.” Ah yes, always a good sign when a sequel is reminding you of movies other than its predecessor. This Summer! From the producer of American Graffiti, comes Star Wars Episode II!”

Anyway, I guess it’s an okay poster, as far as advertisements for horrible ideas go. Jessica Chastain (side note: Jessica Chastain?!) seems to be holding a piece of driftwood with knives on the ends of it, so there’s that. “First she tore apart her shabby chic coffee table made of reclaimed wood. Now she’s tearing apart tyranny, hi-ya!”

Wait, James Patterson? As in, the guy who writes crappy airport fiction James Patterson? Or rather, oversees crappy airport fiction? He put his name on a Diary of a Wimpy Kid-type thing now? Co-authored by a guy (not listed on the poster) who writes some kind of Survivor fan fiction?

I don’t want to distract from the fine design work here, but I don’t know what the hell is going on with this one. This feels like a rabbit hole I don’t want to go down.

I always prefer longer pull-quotes to the one-word one variety, because who knows what a one-word pullquote even means out of context? But this massive A.O. Scott quote seems like a waste. All those words just to say “Will definitely get nominated for an Oscar.” Which isn’t even necessarily a compliment, I would’ve said that about The Danish Girl. That said, those pajamas are pretty boss.

“What is on the other side of the door?” Forearms and elbows, I’m guessing? Is this a trick question? This looks like it’s made of white salt poured on velvet. Also, the fingers on the hand in the middle sort of look like dicks.

Hmm, and now there are aboriginals and saris and possibly Charles Manson and the red planet of Mars? I don’t know, poster guy. I think you’re going to have to tie this together a little bit more. Apparently Jeremy Sisto is in it though, so that’s nice.

It’s amazing that you can get a sense of bad acting from a still image, and here’s three examples of it on a single poster.

Remember what I said about great posters this week? Even this movie that looks like Zack Morris got hired to star in a John Cena vehicle has a cool poster. Floating head and silhouette-style posters usually get made fun of – this one manages to combine two uncool things into something cool. Pretty cool.

On the complete other end of the spectrum, it’s this poster for Sky. (Gee, guys, evocative title). The hat looks Photoshopped on. Not just Photoshopped on: This hat looks like some kind of clip art graphic, or intro-to-3D-modeling tutorial that someone stuck in the poster as a joke. Also, the title font with little flare bubbles behind it looks like a stock Tumblr background style. This looks like a Nicholas Sparks poster that’s been spitefully vandalized.

REMEMBER WHAT I SAID ABOUT COOL POSTERS THIS WEEK?! This one had me hooked already, with “from the writers of Call of Duty: Black Ops II and Spongebob Squarepants.”

Now there’s an intriguing mash-up. And even if you put that aside, this would be three or four different types of cool. I don’t exactly know what this is about, I just know I want to find out.

I’d never heard of Too Late before now, but it has eight different character posters, so it must be important. Or just impudent. Okay, first poster… looks like a… maybe sort of a fictional, Making A Murderer-type thing told in multiple perspectives? That could be a wild stab, but all that negative space leaves you room for speculation.

I stand by my original assessment. This could be the mother of the accused?

Aw crap, it’s also a comedy. Hmm. Sort of a murder mystery, small-town comedy type thing? Like Bernie meets an Alexander Payne film? That would be awesome, by the way, if this isn’t that, someone get on that.

Oh hell yeah, Robert Forster. Where has he been? I was just watching Jackie Brown the other day thinking how boss this f*cker is.

Wait, “Vail Bloom” is the actress‘ name? That sounds the prostitute in a noir novel.

Oh hey, it’s that guy. You guys remember that guy, doncha? He was in that one movie. He’s kinda like that Fat Matt Damon guy from Fargo season 2, but like a different version of him. “Dash Mihok,” huh? Never knew his name before, learn something new every day. It kind of sounds like the set up for a bad Latvian joke that doesn’t quite translate. “Dash Mihok? I hardly even know hok!”

“Dichen Lachman?” Is this a foreign movie? Does anyone in this movie not have a strange name?

Oh f*cking hell. It’s Rider Strong. I hadn’t even seen this when I was making that last comment about the weird names. Which is funny, because if you were asking me to point to an example of actors having silly-sounding overwrought names, I probably would’ve said Rider Strong. Okay, probably I wouldn’t have remembered him, but that would’ve been a great answer. And here he is dressed like the fluglehorn player in a ska revival band. Jesus, is there any wussier fashion statement than a casual vest? A casual, unbuttoned vest worn over a t-shirt, that is? The v-neck says “yeah, I like to be casual, and I’m much too busy to wear a proper shirt” while the unbuttoned vest says “but I still had time to attach these completely useless decorative tassels to my don’t give-a-sh*t uniform because I need to advertise how chill I am. So chill. So, so chill. You know what has two thumbs and is super chill? This guy. Do you like my hat?”

Hey, has anyone else had too much coffee?

Jeff Fahey, okay, good, at least the names are getting better.

I hope this movie is good, because John Hawkes deserves to be getting about ten times the current amount of work he’s getting. That’s Teardrop, god dammit! Show some respect!

Anyway, I guess these Too Late posters were good enough to warrant including the trailer.

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Is Margot Robbie wearing pants with a zipper on one leg? Is that in case you have to remove one pant leg? What would one use those pants for? Anyway, this looks like Tina Fey is starring in a role that would normally go to Sandra Bullock, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. On the one hand, I definitely think it’s a good trade for the movie, Tina Fey would definitely make a Sandra Bullock movie funnier. On the other, I think I’d still rather see a Tina Fey movie. The first five minutes of this will be crucial. They should release them online to prove to me that her character doesn’t open doing something klutzy.

Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.