FilmDrunk

In Honor Of ‘Jingle All The Way 2’: 9 More Hilarious Holiday Movie Ideas For Larry The Cable Guy

Earlier this year, we were pretty shocked to hear that Jingle All the Way 2 was being made and would have absolutely nothing to do with Sinbad, let alone Arnold Schwarzenegger. But what really floored us was the fact that not only was the sequel to the beloved 1996 holiday comedy being made by the WWE’s movie production company, but it stars Larry the Cable Guy. Through the following months, we eventually forgot all about the film, until it blew our minds all over again last month with the release of a teaser that revealed almost nothing except for a new “twist” on a joke that was already mastered in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. Originality be damned, because Jingle All the Way 2 is available for pre-sale on Amazon right now, and there’s no fighting the next step in the immortality of Larry the Cable Guy.

This sort of concept is nothing new for the Blue Collar comic, who has built an empire on a fake accent and sleeveless flannel shirts. In 2012, Larry filled Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s shoes in the straight-to-DVD film The Tooth Fairy 2, and in the process he basically told Hollywood and the rest of the world, “F*ck y’all, pay me enough and I’ll do ANYTHING.” You can make fun of him, bash him, destroy him and even ignore him, but the bottom line remains that Larry the Cable Guy makes a lot of money to turn the lowest hanging fruits into the cheapest laughs. He will, as his fans shout back at him, git-r-dun.

But there’s nothing wrong with that. People love Larry the Cable Guy, and I refuse to sit here and be one of those smarmy hipsters who craps all over a beloved comic anymore, just because I happen to think he’s about as funny as being pepper sprayed. So instead of being part of the problem, I want to encourage Larry’s success by pitching some new holiday movie ideas for him in the form of movie posters that I created. I think some of these have the potential to make hundreds of dollars. Maybe even thousands.

The East’r Funny: Larry the Cable Guy stars as Skeeter Bulge, a failing stand-up comic who takes a gig as a mall Easter Bunny only to realize that he has become… the ACTUAL EASTER BUNNY. Can Larry hide all of the eggs AND make it in time for the big open mic show? He’ll need the help of his talking chicks, that’s for sure.

Yum Kippur: After he crashes his monster food truck, the Grill-R-Yum, into a Jewish youth center, chef Rodney AuJus is ordered to serve time as the cook. It turns out that he can make a heck of a seuda hamafseket, but can he help one family actually avoid food? It’s gonna be a long night for the Farbsteins, and especially their pet pig, played by Maxwell from the Geico commercials.

Groundhog Dad: Chevy Ford is a stay-at-home dad with too many things on his plate, including taking care of his SIX BABIES. However, things get even zanier when he wakes up one morning and realizes… he’s turned into Punxsutawney Phil! There’ll be six more weeks of winter and a load of laughs.

Tyler Perry presents Brothers From Another Mother’s Day: Using the amazing technology displayed in Little Man, Larry and Shaquille O’Neal play babies abandoned together at the same foster home, and it just so happens to be run by Madea. Will these unlikely brothers be separated or can someone find it in their hearts to give them the same forever home?

St. Fartrick’s Day: After devouring too much battered sausage and cottage pie, Burp McTater slips into a food coma. When he comes to, though, he can tell something has changed – he’s become the world’s biggest leprechaun! Will he be able to protect his pot o’gold long enough to keep it when his magical flatulence wears off? Maybe with a little luck of the Irish.

Erection Day: When blue collar every man James K. Folk learns that he’s being audited, he decides to take matters into his own hands – by running for President. He’s going to need a little help, though, so he enlists his stripper neighbor (Pam Anderson) to be his running mate, and together they’re gonna work our polls.

Gringo de Mayo: Earl Corncob had one job to do – throw an awesome bachelor party for his best friend, Marty. Instead, he finds himself lost in Tijuana and Marty has somehow switched bodies with a chihuahua! Can Earl find out how to change Marty back, or will he have to explain to his bride-to-be why she’s marrying a tiny dog?

Mammorial Day: Country singer Clete Buttermilk decides before his big USO performance that he’s fed up with his extra pounds, so he goes in for a simple procedure. Except, the nurse accidentally switches his file with a model’s and Clete winds up with one smokin’ hot bod. This time, the troops are saluting him!

Black Friday: Mall cop Tony Skoal is almost trampled to death by an unruly mob on the most psychotic shopping day of the year, and as he’s recovering, an angel urges him to re-examine his life. Realizing that he’s been awful to his security partner Roger (Anthony Anderson), Tony wears black face to better understand what he goes through…

… on second thought, let’s forget that this one ever existed.

(All original images via Getty and Shutterstock, unless otherwise noted, and additional pics via Official PSDs.)

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