Jack Nicholson reportedly retires from acting due to memory loss

Well this is probably the crappiest non-world politics news you’ll read all day. According to RadarOnline, 76-year-old Jack Nicholson is retiring from acting, because memory issues are preventing him from being able to remember his lines. His last film was How Do You Know in 2010, playing Paul Rudd’s dad.

Jack Nicholson has quietly retired from the movie business, has exclusively learned

“Jack has — without fanfare — retired,” a well-placed Hollywood film insider confirmed to Radar.

“There is a simple reason behind his decision — it’s memory loss. Quite frankly, at 76, Jack has memory issues and can no longer remember the lines being asked of him.

Tellingly, producers for the forthcoming film Nebraska had wanted him to play the key role of an aging, booze-addled father who makes the trip from Montana to Nebraska with his estranged son in order to claim a million dollar Mega Sweepstakes Marketing prize.

The role ultimately went to Bruce Dern, after Nicholson advised the filmmakers that he was not interested, the source said.

I’d always tell you to take tabloid news from an unidentified source like this with a huge grain of salt, and just assume it’s not true until further notice, but the Nebraska part has the ring of truth to it. I profiled that in my Fall Movie Guide yesterday, an Alexander Payne movie starring Will Forte and Bob Odenkirk. Payne worked with Nicholson on About Schmidt, so it makes some sense that he’d want to bring him back. Still, there are many famous stories about prominent actors not being able to remember their lines and still making do, like Brando supposedly having his lines written in different places around the room in various movies. If Nicholson really wanted to act, I find it hard to believe that they couldn’t figure out a work-around. Put his lines on a lovely lady’s breasts, just out of frame, for instance.

“Jack has no intention of retiring from the limelight,” said the source, who noted his regular appearances on the Hollywood party circuit, court side at his beloved Lakers and his co-presentation of the Academy Award for Best Picture with First Lady Michelle Obama, earlier this year.

“He’s not retiring from public life, at all. He just doesn’t want a tribute,” added the insider. “He’s happy to tacitly join the retirees club like Sean Connery.”

“He doesn’t want any tributes, he’s happy to tacitly join the retirees club, though not if me and my big yap have anything to say about it. JACK IS RETIRING EVERYONE! UNLEASH THE PITY, AND READY THE BUZZFEED SLIDESHOWS!”

Not that I won’t make one, I’m sure. It’s Jack freakin’ Nicholson, after all. At the very least, we can take some solace in the fact that his last movie wasn’t that one with Adam Sandler. I can see why he’d take those roles though, if you forget your lines in a Sandler movie you can just armpit fart for a few minutes.

(picture via Getty)