WATCH: The Wachowski’s ‘Jupiter Ascending’ Stars C-Tates as a Guyliner Elf or Something

The Wachowski Siblings’ Starship‘s Jupiter Ascending is one of next year’s most anticipated Summer blockbusters, and if the first trailer proves anything, it’s that they’ve doubled down on silly make-up since Cloud Atlas. Jupiter stars Channing Tatum as some kind of tall elf from Planet Guyliner who comes down to Earth to save Mila Kunis from a bad guy played by Eddie Redmayne, who’s sure to give her a  tongue lashing most bitchy over her basic outfit. At least, that’s what I got from it. Here’s the official synopsis:

Jupiter Jones (Kunis) was born under a night sky, with signs predicting that she was destined for great things. Now grown, Jupiter dreams of the stars but wakes up to the cold reality of a job cleaning other people’s houses and an endless run of bad breaks. Only when Caine (Tatum), a genetically engineered ex-military hunter, arrives on Earth to track her down does Jupiter begin to glimpse the fate that has been waiting for her all along—her genetic signature marks her as next in line for an extraordinary inheritance that could alter the balance of the cosmos.

Cloud Atlas was four-fifths a great, fun movie and one fifth a total disaster, and I don’t even know what to think about this one. It’s hard to tell much from a trailer, but it’s hard not to feel like it’s more Battlefield Earth than The Matrix. That said, I’ll pay double price to hear C-Tates deliver lengthy exposition while trying to maintain a consistent “future dude” vernacular. “Yo, girl, these dilithian crystals are (*mumble mumble*), you feel me? We gotta, like, reverse the polarity or whatever.”

By the way, much as I love Mila Kunis, is anyone else disappointed that “Jupiter Jones” isn’t a black chick with a fierce afro and spectacular rack?