MGM is Remaking ‘Road House’ with the Director of ‘Alex Cross’ Because They Hate You

There’s news that pisses me off, makes me sad, frustrates and confuses me, and then there’s news that does all of that, like this report that Road House is being remade. Having already received a hilariously horrible sequel starring Jake Busey and the guy that played the mopey D-bag from That Thing You Do!, the 1989 tribute to redneck bouncers is one of Hollywood’s true action classics, as it has endured well beyond even the passing of its great star, Patrick Swayze.

Alas, MGM has decided that we need to retell the story of Dalton and Wade Garrett saving the Double Deuce from the evil Brad Wesley, as The Fast and the Furious, xXx and Alex Cross director Rob Cohen has already been selected to helm the remake. According to The Wrap, Michael Stokes has also already written a screenplay, and I’m not sure if it’s the same guy, but Stokes most recently worked on the TV series Babar and the Adventures of Badou, and his action résumé includes Exit Speed and Iron Eagle on the Attack.

So if you’re worried that this is a horrible idea for a movie that should never be made, you are 100% correct.

Sorry, but there’s not a writer or director on this planet that can recapture the magic of “Heyyyyy, vodka rocks, what do you say me and you get nipple to nipple?”