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This Week In Movie Posters: Salma Hayek Loves Turducken, And Daniel Radcliffe Is A Fart Corpse

This week’s This Week in Movie Posters begins with Alice Through The Looking Glass. Which should serve as your reminder that summer movie season is right around the corner. Remember when that seemed like a good thing? Anyway, Tim Burton’s 2010 Alice in Wonderland was pretty terrible, but I can’t help but be intrigued by the goofy production design here. They should’ve had Sacha Baron Cohen star, he’s a lot more interesting in silly costumes. When Johnny Depp shows up with orange eyeliner and painted fingernails and four levels of embroidered waistcoats you just sort of think “Bro, didn’t you wear that last Friday? At the Hollywood Vampires show?”

They used a computer to make her head bigger. Also, the house is shaped like her hair. And they’re both shaped like hearts. Because she’s the Queen of Hearts. Did you guys catch all that? Should I stay here to guide you through the rest of the levels? They should ask me to do the DVD commentary.

Oh jeez, look at that big ol’ butterfly! I’d be running away from that thing, afraid it’d suck the brains from my head like nectar from a flower with its silly straw tongue. Yet Alice seems genuinely curious. RUN ALICE, YOU FOOL! Bottom line, I don’t like giant insects, I don’t care how pretty they are. Anyway, this is the most boring of the Through The Looking Glass character posters. I think they could’ve done a lot more with that rabbit. You couldn’t make him look more coked up and sinister than that? He’s a mysterious rabbit carrying a pocket watch for God’s sake.

Oh look, the Mad Hatter also has a house shaped like his hat. That must be a thing you get in Looking Glass Land. Also, is that a pot leaf on his top hat? It should be. “I’m the Mad Hatter! I’m wonderfully, fun-derfully mad! Have you met my cousin, Dave Navarro?”

Anyway, Johnny Depp’s styling in this just reminds me of Mugatu in the hypnosis video. I’m not sure what’s going on with his dwarf leg back there either.

Anne Hathaway doesn’t get a house shaped like her head? Lame. She looks like someone took one of those used-car lot inflatable dancing men and covered it in 100 parasols.

This poster looks like a lighting test they shot with the stand-ins. Oops, nope, this really does star “Blayne Weaver.” Come on, man, that’s not even the way you spell “Blaine.”

I like this minimalist poster for Hands of Stone, because what else do you really need to know besides that it’s a movie about Roberto Duran starring Robert De Niro? That said, I don’t know if I’m just being dense here, but is that glove supposed to be a visual metaphor for something? The tributaries of the Amazon? I don’t know. I bet I’m going to feel dumb when I find out what it is though.

If you like glossy lips and vajazzled eyebrows, this is the movie for you.

Oh right, like I really needed “from the visionary director of Gomorrah” up there to know this was Italian. This couldn’t possibly look more Italian. I can practically hear him giving direction. “Salma, mamma mia, you guan-a make-a di mess outta di turducken! Lookatem all dat a-sows. Di turducken, she’s-a covered inna di sows. Bellissima, perfecto, now-a guana getta di sowss allemup over-a you face! Look at em uppa dat-a bellissima face a-covered inna di sows a-from a di turducken, bellissima, belliiiiiiisssiiiimmaaa!”

That plan? Looking out windows.

Still looking out windows.

Ooh, this one’s happy. She likes what’s outside the window. Sheesh, not giving us many hints, are they? Seems like they could’ve at least put the reflection of the bad thing in the window so we’d know it’s about a werewolf or whatever.

This poster looks like there’s a neighborhood being terrorized by the deafening practices of a cheerleading squad. The mom, she can’t take it anymore, she’s about to go crazy. Her son, Jesse is a bit special, and he loves it, and he’s starting to discover himself. Meanwhile, her husband is losing interest in the marriage and she can’t help but draw a connection. I’m getting that this is basically What About Bob as an indie drama where the cheerleading squad is Bob and the movie is told from the Richard Dreyfuss character’s perspective. Though I’ve been wrong before.

Look at them trying to pass off that guy back there as Colin Firth. No deal! I can spot a counterfeit Firth from a thousand paces! No Firth, not interested. At least throw us a Michael Sheen, then maybe I could bargain.

So many questions about this one. Like why is Jeremy Irons carrying an umbrella on a beautiful sunny day, and why is Dev Patel staring intently at it? At least, I think that’s Jeremy Irons. The poster seems to be trying to tell me that it’s actually Devika Bhise. Sure looks like Jeremy Irons to me though. To see costume designers tell it, academics are the most meticulously dressed people in the world.

I’m more intrigued by this movie thanks to this poster. Not because of all the critical acclaim, but because all this time I though Miles Davis was just a cool guy who tooted his horn and shot heroin. I had no idea he also cruised around town in the world’s most sumptuously patterned pajamas. No wonder people thought he was so cool. Where do you even get pajamas like that?

Get ready for SUPER SERIOUS: The movie.

This feels like a reference to a different era of television. Do people younger than 30 even remember color bars or trying to adjust the vertical sync?

Ah yes, the old gun-as-phallic symbol treatment. “Don’t move or I’ll bang you! Bang! Bang!”

This font looks very 14-year-old-who-just-discovered-the-star-wipe-function, but as we’ve mentioned, I give lots of credit to any horror film that isn’t about a haunted house or a creepy little kid. This one reminds me of the scene in Braveheart where young William Wallace was discovering that Longshanks had hanged his parents. That was a good movie.

There’s a lot happening in this poster, but the only thing I can focus on is Damian Lewis’ tiny chipmunk mouth. Who does he remind me of…

I’m not convinced the time I spent making that was entirely worth it, but sometimes a man just has to follow his heart.

Once again, I don’t quite understand why the horizon needs to be diagonal, but if Tony Jaa is punching people until blood spatters on his fist, I’m in.

This is for a Turkish horror movie called Siccin, apparently. Take a lesson, American horror movie poster designers.

Here’s another poster for the same movie, this time she brought a friend. Is blazer over mock turtleneck the most menacing outfit? I say yes.

“Who am I?” thought the chimp, before taking a long sip of his own urine. Seriously though, I know exactly what the movie’s about from the poster, or at least I have a good idea. And I’m in. Any kind of monkey trial, I’m there.

Finally, we have the poster for Swiss Army Man, in which Daniel Radcliffe plays a farting corpse. Amazingly, the poster designer seems to have chosen to soft-pedal the farting aspect of it. Really, no fart puns? Instead we get “body to lean on,” which sells it like it’s Lars and the Real Girl with a corpse. Which it may be, I haven’t seen it.

As for the “a film by Daniels,” it was apparently directed by two guys named Dan. Which is cute, though I liked the idea of a one-named artiste directing a farting corpse movie. I just hope Daniel Radcliffe doesn’t get typecast, wakka wakka (*fart noise*). Drive safe out there, folks. Give your waitstaff a round of applause, namaste, namaste.

Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.

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