FilmDrunk

This Week In Movie Posters: Salma Hayek Loves Turducken, And Daniel Radcliffe Is A Fart Corpse

This week’s This Week in Movie Posters begins with Alice Through The Looking Glass. Which should serve as your reminder that summer movie season is right around the corner. Remember when that seemed like a good thing? Anyway, Tim Burton’s 2010 Alice in Wonderland was pretty terrible, but I can’t help but be intrigued by the goofy production design here. They should’ve had Sacha Baron Cohen star, he’s a lot more interesting in silly costumes. When Johnny Depp shows up with orange eyeliner and painted fingernails and four levels of embroidered waistcoats you just sort of think “Bro, didn’t you wear that last Friday? At the Hollywood Vampires show?”

They used a computer to make her head bigger. Also, the house is shaped like her hair. And they’re both shaped like hearts. Because she’s the Queen of Hearts. Did you guys catch all that? Should I stay here to guide you through the rest of the levels? They should ask me to do the DVD commentary.

Oh jeez, look at that big ol’ butterfly! I’d be running away from that thing, afraid it’d suck the brains from my head like nectar from a flower with its silly straw tongue. Yet Alice seems genuinely curious. RUN ALICE, YOU FOOL! Bottom line, I don’t like giant insects, I don’t care how pretty they are. Anyway, this is the most boring of the Through The Looking Glass character posters. I think they could’ve done a lot more with that rabbit. You couldn’t make him look more coked up and sinister than that? He’s a mysterious rabbit carrying a pocket watch for God’s sake.

Oh look, the Mad Hatter also has a house shaped like his hat. That must be a thing you get in Looking Glass Land. Also, is that a pot leaf on his top hat? It should be. “I’m the Mad Hatter! I’m wonderfully, fun-derfully mad! Have you met my cousin, Dave Navarro?”

Anyway, Johnny Depp’s styling in this just reminds me of Mugatu in the hypnosis video. I’m not sure what’s going on with his dwarf leg back there either.

Anne Hathaway doesn’t get a house shaped like her head? Lame. She looks like someone took one of those used-car lot inflatable dancing men and covered it in 100 parasols.

This poster looks like a lighting test they shot with the stand-ins. Oops, nope, this really does star “Blayne Weaver.” Come on, man, that’s not even the way you spell “Blaine.”

I like this minimalist poster for Hands of Stone, because what else do you really need to know besides that it’s a movie about Roberto Duran starring Robert De Niro? That said, I don’t know if I’m just being dense here, but is that glove supposed to be a visual metaphor for something? The tributaries of the Amazon? I don’t know. I bet I’m going to feel dumb when I find out what it is though.

If you like glossy lips and vajazzled eyebrows, this is the movie for you.

Oh right, like I really needed “from the visionary director of Gomorrah” up there to know this was Italian. This couldn’t possibly look more Italian. I can practically hear him giving direction. “Salma, mamma mia, you guan-a make-a di mess outta di turducken! Lookatem all dat a-sows. Di turducken, she’s-a covered inna di sows. Bellissima, perfecto, now-a guana getta di sowss allemup over-a you face! Look at em uppa dat-a bellissima face a-covered inna di sows a-from a di turducken, bellissima, belliiiiiiisssiiiimmaaa!”

That plan? Looking out windows.

Still looking out windows.

Ooh, this one’s happy. She likes what’s outside the window. Sheesh, not giving us many hints, are they? Seems like they could’ve at least put the reflection of the bad thing in the window so we’d know it’s about a werewolf or whatever.

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