RIP, Robert De Niro's Balls (1943 – 2012)

Yesterday at a fundraiser with Michelle Obama present, Robert De Niro made the comment, “Callista Gingrich. Karen Santorum. Ann Romney. Now do you really think our country is ready for a white first lady?” Because haha, get it? We’ve never had a black first lady before (Sally Hemmings notwithstanding). It’s funny because opposite day! We’ve already had more than 40 white first ladies! Nonetheless, Newt Gingrich seized on the opportunity to blast De Niro, calling his introduction “inexusable” and demanding that President Obama apologize for some reason, because Obama can apparently control celebrities from afar like Xenu. In a sane world, Gingrich would’ve been laughed out of the race for his transparent attempt to generate publicity off the back of a deliberate misunderstanding of a joke even a child could understand, but because the democrats are spineless pussies, determined to make even the choice between them and a human root vegetable like Gingrich a difficult one, Michelle Obama’s press secretary Olivia Adair even weighed in, calling De Niro’s comments “inappropriate.” SORRY YOUR FOOD WASN’T HOTTER, TROLLS! SINCERELY, OLIVIA ADAIR.

If De Niro had any balls, he’d ask them to return the money he raised at the benefit and demand Adair’s firing. Instead, he’s apologizing.

“My remarks, although spoken with satirical jest, were not meant to offend or embarrass anyone — especially the first lady,” De Niro said in a statement.

So congratulations, Robert De Niro and Olivia Adair, for helping make the world safe for fake outrage. I guess it was too much to ask for De Niro to call an apology press conference, take the podium in a freshly shaved mohawk, and tell the assembled reporters, “All the animals come out for election year – whores, punks, pussies, closet fairies, junkies, publicists. Someday a real rain will come and wash this scum off the streets.”

Next time, ask Pacino to host. This is how I imagine his introduction of the first lady going: