Shia’s Next Move

12.20.13 4 years ago 6 Comments
For my next trick I'll need a volunteer.

For my next trick I’ll need a volunteer.

Vince has been waxing poetic about the enigma wrapped inside a Transformer that is Shia LaBeouf (French for “shy cow”). However, as I spend most of my time alone and pantless, I’ve got my own theories as to what’s going down here, and because it’s the Christmas season I’m going to share those very theories with you. Consider it your Secret Santa.



This one has already been hinted at, that Shia is going to claim “art” to avoid plagiarism charges, which makes perfect sense, though I think this probably happened organically, as all of the recent stuff he has “copied” isn’t copyrighted, they are quotes. Much as with a continuation bet in poker, you just play the bluff out because you’re committed. There’s no downside to copy/pasting a quote a day for the next year to 1) de-sensitize the market 2) show the whole thing was a longer con than The Hobbit.

Still, a place Shia might be in trouble is that the entire idea of satire as protected speech also involves the caveat that the art must add something to the lexicon, have some inherent value, provide some real commentary that makes people say, “Hmmmmm.” I doubt like crazy Shiaaaaa was shooting for that angle at the outset, but give the man credit, he’s done a hell of a pivot. But that’s just the setup, what’s the end game?

Could it be …


Think about it. People have been “catching” Shia by just hitting the ol’ Google machine, easy peasy lemon squeezy. Thus, Google is the enemy of … well, I’m not sure about that. This is why Shiaaaaaa is the genius and I’m just a guy. My guess is it could be an angle like “Google is the devil because no one has to try anymore,” and then LaBeOuF will rally young persons to march against Google. I mean, it wouldn’t take much, Google is trading at damn near $1,100 a share. What if my man could get 50 people outside their offices, just enough to make the market think, “Hmmm, the hip kids are slightly down on GOOG?”. The stock market isn’t a rational exercise, it’s a confidence game, so if Shia starts drumming up some anti-Google publicity he stands to profit big time, provided he’s thrown all them Revenge of the Fallen duckets into the trading account. Which will of course lead us to …


The most fascinating angle of a guy like LaBeouf theoretically going after critics is he’s never exactly been a dude who wouldn’t take a check. So who cares about critics if you’re pulling down a enough cash to keep you in hookers and blow for the foreseeable future? No chance Shia actually gives two craps, right?

Random aside: I once witnessed Shia make out with Carey Mulligan between interviews, and it made perfect sense to me at the time. You suck face with Carey Mulligan because the Lord, in his infinite wisdom, has placed her in front of you. It’s not more complicated than that, and the same goes with Shia’s films. If Mike Bay wants to hand you a seven-figure check for running around on a green screen with Megan Fox you take it and smile nicely.

BUT, and this is the big but, the market has sort of soured on Shia’s recent paychecks, why look no further than:

So how do you “soften” up the market for your next stinker? You nail the critics, and “Bynes” yourself to drum up publicity. Really, this could all be a brilliant viral marketing play, the social equivalent of a shiny object. Lawsuit? You think the damages for a lawsuit matter in the grand scheme of things? Nah braj, Shia gonna Shia, and make sure you go see his next proj on opening day, ya dig?



Depressingly, there could be a horrible “putting the whole system on trial” documentary akin to the idiocy Joaquin Phoenix trotted out with I’m Still Here. Certain segments of the populace see stuff like that and get all randy about the cultural implications and blah blah blah, c’mon, it takes no effort to do a documentary and just act like a knob job (I regret nothing). This would be the most disappointing outcome because no one even watches documentaries of this nature, this it would just end up as a huge circle jerk amongst us critics. I’d pay at least $50 to prevent this scenario from happening.



Maybe Werner Herzog was right. Maybe we’re all just dancing chickens waiting to get eaten by Grizzly Bears. Nothing means anything, and Shia is the living embodiment of finding no meaning in the chaos. LaBeouf could be teaching us that wasting even a moment of our precious lives trying to determine the motivations or possible outcomes of anything is folly, and we should just emulate Tiger Woods and Jesse Eisenberg’s version of Mark Zuckerberg and live large. I mean, would this be crazier than Garth Brooks trying to become Chris Gaines? I say “ney”.



The last possible rationale I can think of is that Shia is off his meds, because of OBAMACARE and the website, and this is the result. Thanks, OBAMA.

Laremy wrote the book on film criticism and comes up with crackpot theories all the time.

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