Like many folks who came of age in the 90s and early 2000s, I’ve long been a connoisseur of late-night infomercials. These days, you don’t even have to be able to afford TV time to make one. It’s called crowdfunding, a way for wild-eyed entrepreneurs to take their message straight to the consumer, and it’s amazing. In Shut Up And Take Our Money, we highlight some of our favorite campaigns.
Cleaning the love juice off your crud-covered genitals after fornicating is a subject most people other than my parents don’t like to discuss at parties. Normally, I snap my lovers with a rolled up towel and tell them “hit the showers” like my water polo coach Jason, but now it turns out there’s an even better way! It’s called #DelightWipes, and it sounds like a delightful way to clean up sperm, schmegma, santorum, and assorted types of animal blood.
“DelightWipes” are currently in day 9 of their 42-day crowdfunding campaign, having raised $3,590 of their $15,000 goal for their “good for the body and good for the world post-coital wipe.”
The Pitch (text version)
It’s pretty simple. There are a lot of products on the market that are labeled intimate wipes, and none of them are of the quality or made with the types of ingredients we want to put on our bodies. Intimacy doesn’t end after the orgasm, and post-coital hygiene is a critical part of keeping yourself and your lover healthy. In one simple sentence, DelightWipes are post coital wipes to use after you and your lover get naughty. You will use them to clean up after sex.
Whoa, slow down, there are a lot of products on the market labeled “intimate wipes?” What have I been doing using Armor All?
The Pitch (video monologue version)
We’ve all had that awkward moment after the love-making ends where you aren’t sure what to do. How exactly are you supposed to clean up your naughty parts after sex? How can we keep that sexy feeling of bliss after the orgasm? I myself have struggled with this challenge and there was one particular moment when I realized there must be a better way.
WOW, really left us on a cliffhanger there, didn’t she? Forget DelightWipes, tell me more about this “one particular moment.” Couldn’t get the oatmeal and silly string off your pilot’s uniform before the big flight? I guess we’ll never know.
Crucial B-Roll (aka, There’s Gotta Be An Easier Way)
I call this “The Usual Suspects.”
“I usually take a shower? So after that, kinda anything goes.”
I’m not even sure what she asked them here. Their faces say it all though. “Sup, brah. So, like, I just came all over her and stuff.”
R & D
We’ve reviewed our competitors, and whether it’s their chemically confusing formula, or that they’re not strong enough to do the job, we have designed something different.
Hmm, strong pitch, but I’m going to need a compelling visual. Why not the tried-and-true absorbency test? Jenkins! Get me a lemonade pitcher full of blue liquid!
Incidentally, I’m afraid to even imagine what a Dude Wipes crowdfunding video would have looked like. (“This is Deebo’s slampiece, Monica…”)
Cold, Hard Numbers
Through our research, we’ve found that there are over three billion millennial post-coital moments we could delightfully wipe a year.
I’m not even going to try to parse what a “millennial post-coital moment” means. I feel like she’s using the same kind of math as Ali G’s ice-cream glove here.
$169 – The previously mentioned perks AND a customized “pawtographed” picture from our Spokeskitty #DistinguishedCat
$690 – Things get really crazy here!!! You will receive your very own DelightWipes #DistinguishedCat Calendar with a year’s worth of #MakeLoveMore inspiration from DelightWipes all in a very cute cat calendar. He’ll pawtograph that for you too.
A cat calendar?? I admit it, lady, you’re speakin’ my language. I mean I’d like to wipe down that pu– OK, I think we all know the obvious joke to be made here.
Our next immediate goal is to create the #MakeLoveMore app when we raise $50k. This private, personal app will offer you resources on enhancing intimacy, increasing the quality of your relationship and offering all the benefits that a happy, open and passionate relationship can bring.
FUTURE BEST MAN SPEECH: “I remember back when they first moved in together, Jaxxon and Ashleigh were having some problems. They loved each other, but they had problems communicating, like we all do. And that’s when I made Jaxx download a cumrag app on his iPhone to learn to talk to his lady better. Eight weeks later, they’ve promised to be together forever. So raise a glass to Delightwipes, everyone. A way to clean up semen, and so much more.”
Sold yet? I know I am. If you want to donate, there’s still 33 days left.
Has an old acquaintance emailed you a crowdfunding campaign you think we should know about? Email us now.