Like many folks who came of age in the 90s and early 2000s, I’ve long been a connoisseur of late-night infomercials. These days, you don’t even have to be able to afford TV time to make one. It’s called crowdfunding, a way for wild-eyed entrepreneurs to take their message straight to the consumer, and it’s amazing. In Shut Up And Take Our Money, we highlight some of our favorite campaigns.
Cleaning the love juice off your crud-covered genitals after fornicating is a subject most people other than my parents don’t like to discuss at parties. Normally, I snap my lovers with a rolled up towel and tell them “hit the showers” like my water polo coach Jason, but now it turns out there’s an even better way! It’s called #DelightWipes, and it sounds like a delightful way to clean up sperm, schmegma, santorum, and assorted types of animal blood.
“DelightWipes” are currently in day 9 of their 42-day crowdfunding campaign, having raised $3,590 of their $15,000 goal for their “good for the body and good for the world post-coital wipe.”
The Pitch (text version)
It’s pretty simple. There are a lot of products on the market that are labeled intimate wipes, and none of them are of the quality or made with the types of ingredients we want to put on our bodies. Intimacy doesn’t end after the orgasm, and post-coital hygiene is a critical part of keeping yourself and your lover healthy. In one simple sentence, DelightWipes are post coital wipes to use after you and your lover get naughty. You will use them to clean up after sex.
Whoa, slow down, there are a lot of products on the market labeled “intimate wipes?” What have I been doing using Armor All?
The Pitch (video monologue version)
We’ve all had that awkward moment after the love-making ends where you aren’t sure what to do. How exactly are you supposed to clean up your naughty parts after sex? How can we keep that sexy feeling of bliss after the orgasm? I myself have struggled with this challenge and there was one particular moment when I realized there must be a better way.
WOW, really left us on a cliffhanger there, didn’t she? Forget DelightWipes, tell me more about this “one particular moment.” Couldn’t get the oatmeal and silly string off your pilot’s uniform before the big flight? I guess we’ll never know.
Crucial B-Roll (aka, There’s Gotta Be An Easier Way)
I call this “The Usual Suspects.”
“I usually take a shower? So after that, kinda anything goes.”
I’m not even sure what she asked them here. Their faces say it all though. “Sup, brah. So, like, I just came all over her and stuff.”
R & D
We’ve reviewed our competitors, and whether it’s their chemically confusing formula, or that they’re not strong enough to do the job, we have designed something different.
Hmm, strong pitch, but I’m going to need a compelling visual. Why not the tried-and-true absorbency test? Jenkins! Get me a lemonade pitcher full of blue liquid!