Scarfield will be playing Spider-Man until he’s 35, according to Sony

Sony recently announced that in addition to The Amazing Spider-Man 2 hitting theaters in May 2014, we can expect to see The Amazing Spider-Man 3 June 10, 2016 and The Amazing Spider-Man 4 May 4, 2018, a few months shy of star Andrew Garfield’s 35th birthday (Tobey Maguire was 32 when Spider-Man 3 was released). The plans sound a bit optimistic on Sony’s part, but then again, if that last boring retread couldn’t kill the franchise, I don’t know what will. I imagine the fourth (seventh) Spider-Man movie will involve a lot of long takes culminating in Scarfield breaking the fourth wall, asking the viewer “Dude, are we still doing this? Is this really what you want? …I just… I just wanna go home.”

CULVER CITY, Calif., June 17, 2013 – With Sony Pictures Entertainment now in production in New York on The Amazing Spider-Man™ 2, slated for release on May 2, 2014, the studio is planting its flag on two future release dates for one of the most successful franchises in studio history, it was announced today by Jeff Blake, Chairman, Worldwide Marketing and Distribution for Sony Pictures. The next two films in the story of Peter Parker will be released on June 10, 2016, and on May 4, 2018, respectively.

Commenting on the announcement, Blake said, “Spider-Man is our most important, most successful, and most beloved franchise, so we’re thrilled that we are in a position to lock in these prime release dates over the next five years.”

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is directed by Marc Webb from a screenplay by Alex Kurtzman & Roberto Orci & Jeff Pinkner, with a previous draft by James Vanderbilt. [press release via SlashFilm]

Jeff Blake went on to add, “Since 2018 will inevitably be many years after I’m fired, let me just say in advance, ‘F*ck you, f*ck you, you’re cool, f*ck you, PEACE! I’m out! Thanks for the free stationary, hosers.'”

It’s hard not to read this press release with an air of melancholy. I can’t imagine anyone likes to think of themselves five years from now, trying to reimagine a franchise that felt stale five years ago. But Sony makes so much money on these movies and God knows how much more on merchandizing, they have no choice but to do everything they can to give their investors confidence in the relative permanence of that revenue stream. Chevy makes cars, Sony makes Spider-Man. It’s just like Tyler Durden said, bro, “The toys you make end up toying you.”