Statham beats people up with lots of different stuff

Oi, conts, Da Stafe eah.  Did yous miss me?  Wew da wait is ovva, cos Oy ‘as got a new movie comin’ out.  Foinally, yous wiw be able to watch da Stafe grimace, bash conts, spew cheeky one loinahs, and knob every fit bird wiffin a firty moile fock’n radius. Now, Oy know a lot of yous conts out theah is gonna say, “Oi, but Stafe, ‘asn’t you already done loike firty ovva movies wiff dis exact same plot?”

An to dose conts oy say, Oi, it’s a Stafe movie. Dey’s not exactly Merchant and Fock’n Oyvory now is dey?  You clevah conts wiw be ‘appy to note dat Da Stafe’s new fiwm, Blitz, distinguishes itself from aw previous Stafe fiwms boy da sheah fock’n numbah an’ variety of fings wiff which Da Stafe bashes conts.  As you’s can see, da list of fings which oy utilize to give conts’ ‘eads a wew good bashing includes, but is not fock’n limi’ed to: Da Stafe’s foot, Da Stafe’s Fore’ead, da curb, a basebaw bat, da door of a flash sazz wagon, a noight stick, a snookah cue, an ‘ammah, a gun, da bad cont’s own arms, a pistew, a proiceless antique vase, and a course, de ol’ stand boys, Da Stafe’s fists, Mahgrit an Caffrine.  And if dat weren’t enough to get your appetoight as wet as a fit bird’s muff when she sees da Stafe wiff moy shir’ off, Oy ‘as awso got a pair of wew angry fock’n pit bulls, now doesn’ Oy. Oy named dem “Sazz Wagon” and “Cont”.

Oy loike pit bulls cos dey is ruffless fock’n bloody canoines dat cannot bet tamed, and wiffout question da flashest of aw dog breeds.  Dey is basically da Stafams of da animew kingdom