‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ Have Character Posters, And They Look Like They’re Made Of Burlap

Paramount has been holding some kind of marketing contest where they release posters when enough people Tweet the hashtags. Hey, dicks, how about you just advertise without making little kids beg to be advertised to? “Uh oh, kids, looks like Ronald McDonald won’t come out until you sing the Big Mac song as loud as you can!” Ugh, ad people are the worst.

Anyway, the latest reveal was Raphael, the turtle who taught a generation what a sai was, as you can see above. Is it me, or does he kind of look like Michael Chiklis as The Thing? Without the snout, he’s all brow and forehead.

Also, aren’t turtles supposed to have textural contrast? Hard smooth shell, with soft skin underneath? New Raphael looks like he’s made entirely of burlap. Also, what’s the over/under on number of those bridges that get destroyed before the movie’s over? I’m thinking at least one.

Michael Angelo still looks like Sam Cassel to me.

Yep. I miss the old rubber suits.

The city needs heroes.  Darkness has settled over New York City as Shredder and his evil Foot Clan have an iron grip on everything from the police to the politicians.  The future is grim until four unlikely outcast brothers rise from the sewers and discover their destiny as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  The Turtles must work with fearless reporter April O’Neil (Megan Fox) and her wise-cracking cameraman Vern Fenwick (Will Arnett) to save the city and unravel Shredder’s diabolical plan.  Based on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Characters Created by PETER LAIRD and KEVIN EASTMAN with a Screenplay by JOSH APPELBAUM & ANDRÉ NEMEC and EVAN DAUGHERTY, Producer MICHAEL BAY (the blockbuster Transformers franchise) and director JONATHAN LIEBESMAN (Wrath of the Titans) bring Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the popular franchise that has captivated audiences of all ages for decades, into the 21st century.  

Considering the Ninja Turtles debuted in the eighties, they should all be in their 40s and 50s by now. That’s the movie I want to see, the Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles. Raphael is a bitter accountant, Michael Angelo has heart disease from all the pizza, Donatello’s sheath is now just a holster for a cell phone that he uses to make real estate deals.