This Week in Posters: Guns and Cleavage

Besides Ethan Hunt being the only international superspy who always looks like he just walked out of a snazzy Banana Republic catalogue, the main thing I notice about this poster is how good Paula Patton’s boobs look. I think it’d be more effective if it had “NO BACKUP, NO PLAN, NO CHOICE, NO PANTIES,” with the NO PANTIES over Paula Patton and her awesome jugs. Then again, “NO CONTACT” is the same sign they have in strip clubs, so perhaps that’s a fitting thing to write on her boobs. Playing it safe, really.

Ooh, there’s the Burj Dubai in the background, the world’s tallest building that Tom Cruise impressively did his own stunts on. Although this brings up another important point… Why are you wearing a leather hoodie IN F*CKING DUBAI? A heavy black hoodie in a sea of white robes seems like a pretty poor disguise, especially when you’re covered in sweat and dying of heat stroke.
Tittays tittays tittays tittays tittays tittays tittays tittays tittays tittays tittays tittays tittays tittays….
Simon Pegg, master of disguise, infiltrates a highly-secure server room using only his finger mustache. “Don’t mind me, just a harmless Charlie Chaplin impersonator…”
Is that background supposed to be a shard of broken glass jutting out into the frame? I don’t get it. Poor Jeremy Renner. First he gets denied a chair on the Avengers set, now he gets half a background. When’s he gonna get some respect? The man’s a goddamned Oscar nominee for chrissakes.
I love this plunging neckline theme. I believe that’s Lea Seydoux, as in “Lea, Sey, doux you think you’ll ever put down that gun and let me motorboat you?”
Oh cool, Howdy Doody’s in this. I missed him.
Yes, that A-hole Burnsy already covered these new Muppet posters, but I’ll be damned if I do a non-inclusive This Week in Posters, so here they are again. I think they captured the Twilight over-accesorizing trend well here.
Is it weird to want to name your kid “Rowlf?” Way cooler than Ralph.
There’s more emotion in that expression than I’ve ever seen out of Kristen Stewart in Twilight.
I posted the first trailer for this earlier today, and now here’s the poster. Hey, camera guy, what is this, a Monet painting? Try hitting the backlight button, I can’t see shit. If this picture showed up in my digital camera, I’d delete it.
John C. Reilly and Christoph Waltz might be my two favorite actors, but I can’t get past the fact that trailer for this had the old workaholic-gets-his-cell-phone-dunked-in-the-water scene, a rom-com cliché so old even The Proposal thought to reinvent it by making the water an eagle.
But hey, if Saïd Ben Saïd vouches for it, what do I know.
The pedo ‘stache gets all the press, but what about the soul patch in a perfect line? I would argue that’s twice as creepy. Meanwhile, Forest Whitaker seems to be doing his “Black Boss Hog” face.
Here’s the trailer:

Hey, Tawmmy, did you heah dat fackin’ helicawptah flyin ovah da hahbah?
Nah, I din’t hear no helicawptah. I jus been sittin in this heah Wahlburgahs restrint enjoyin a fine Belgian lagah an’ listenin to my fackin’ stubble grow. …A COAHRSE I HEARD DA FACKIN HELICAWPTAH, YA CAWKSUCKA, NOW WHEYAH WE GONNA HIDE ALL THIS CAWNTRABAND??!
Oh joy, I so love it when actors do Shakespearian tragedy. I’m going to continue pronouncing this “Corry Ol’ Anus,” in three distinct words.
A Zhang Yimou film, starring Christian Bale, set during the rape of Nanking. I don’t know why this film hasn’t been getting more press. Though I have to admit, this poster makes it look like a war movie as told through the eye of a butthole.

I want to like this movie, I really do, but it just looks like all the broadest, schmuckiest aspects of hockey smooshed into a film. “Haha, get it? They drink beer and punch each other.”
Not that I have anything against drinking beer and punching each other, mind you.
I’m having a weird reaction to this film. I love Meryl Streep, but the idea that someone actually thought we needed another boring biopic about a political leader makes me want to huck a rock at this. I’m bored to the point of anger! MY STARS, I CAN’T WAIT FOR HER REPRESSED EMOTIONS TO BE EXPRESSED SUBTLY!
I’d rather watch Benedict Cumberbatch make tea for Imogen Poots while she irons his cravats. I know what you’re probably thinking. “But… you can’t iron cravats!” You might be right, but more importantly, TRICK QUESTION, DORK, IT’S WEDGIE TIME!
I like the giant lizard angle, but I feel like this could use more Booboo Stewart.
This is probably the most horribly racist thought I’ve ever had, but this kind of reminds me of when you’re sitting in your car while some black dudes are crossing the cross walk in front of you and they’re doing that thing where they walk extra slow out of spite.
This might turn out to be the brilliantly idiotic film in history. Did you see the trailer? I can’t wait till Liam Hemsworth teaches Kristen Stewart how to use an axe that weighs more than her and she kills everyone with it.
This legitimately looks like a black-light poster you’d buy in a head shop.
I’m disturbed that someone thought “FROM THE PRODUCER OF ALICE IN WONDERLAND” would be a selling point.
Snow White? More like Snow KNIGHT! Seriously though, Snow White is now a knight. Who does battle alongside her phalanx of battle dwarves. God, I hope they constantly shout, “HEAVE HO! HEAVE HO! HEAVE HO!”
Have you ever noticed that any time there’s a movie or an awards show or something with a bunch of black people and one token white dude, the white dude in question is always the schlubbiest douche imaginable, the Turtle or E or Brett Ratner? I don’t know if that’s a defense mechanism or what, but it’s totally unnecessary. You’re going to look way cooler than us regardless.
Whoever thought Sean Penn in lipstick making his creepy f*cking baby deer face was a selling point should be fired like yesterday.
The only thing lazier than “vengeance returns” is the crappy diagonal horizon line filled with sparks. This could so be a direct-to-DVD Steven Seagal movie. But here’s some constructive criticism, I can make this poster ten times better. Instead of “vengeance returns,” how about “vengeance is back… FOR REVENGE!’
If you bought the zoo, why does the zebra have a bow on it? Sounds more like a gift to me, bro, don’t act like you earned it.
[all posters via IMPA]