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This Week In Movie Posters: Fantastic Jacks And Where To Reacher Them

This Week In Movie Posters begins this week with American Pastoral, Ewan McGregor’s adaptation of Philip Roth’s 1997 novel. This one’s already suspect on account of it contains a single pull quote and that quote comes from infamous quote whore Pete Hammond. Putting a Pete Hammond quote on your poster sends a strong message, and that message is “we couldn’t get quote from a real critic.”

Other than that, the poster is… okay, I guess. They’ve been silenced by her watching eyes! That’s the message I’m getting from this. Makes enough sense, I suppose, though the placement of it sort of makes their chins look like weird boobs. Mmm, weird boobs.

[all posters via impawards]

This is a nice poster, and not just because I’ll see anything with cool-ass Idris Elba pointing a gun at me. Notice how the entire thing creates a nice diagonal effect? And they do it without tilting the horizon line inexplicably sideways? That’s how you poster. Stop tilting the damned picture sideways.

Ooh, little kids having nightmares, I’ve never seen that in a horror movie before.

I often to accuse indie movies of being far too protective over secrets and spoilers. This is basically the opposite of that. I don’t mind them laying out the premise with text, Close Encounters of the Third Kind-style, but why not make it stand out more by leaving out the actors’ names? I barely even noticed the (cool) tagline down there. I mean, it’s not like people are walking by this going “Oh damn, son, Dan Bakkedahl’s in this? Well mark my f*cking calendar.”

The only question I have about this poster is whether it’s worse than the trailer, which would be a feat. Every single thing about this looks scientifically calibrated to give me all of the pukes. It looks like a collection of Upworthy headlines. I know I haven’t seen this and it’s not out yet or anything, but I feel confident naming it the worst movie of 2016.

Sidenote: Why does Keira Knightley always look like she’s about to pass out from sultriness?

And here we have a black light IMAX poster for Doctor Strange, which is actually pretty perfect. I want to take shrooms and sit in front of this until Benedict Cumberbatch starts talking to me about David Beckham and fish and chips and the recipe for bread pie.

This is basically the same Doctor Strange poster we’ve been seeing, just with Asian lettering. In case you were on the fence about seeing Doctor Strange… Boom! Rocket hands! Rocket hands are the best part of any Marvel movie.

Here he looks like he’s doing that kung fu “come at me bro” like Keanu in The Matrix. Come to think of it, that movie would’ve been better with more magical amulets.

Jeez, settle down, David Ehrlich. But for real, I received four separate screening invites for this. Between that and all the pull quotes, it seems like the studio is actually really proud of this one. Imagine that. Even if it ends up sucking, this was a good strategy.

I’m not going to post them all because there are like 10 of them, but this is the first of a big batch of character posters from Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them. Hey, a goblin gangster? Cool. Why didn’t you show me this sooner? Did you really think the draw here was Eddie Redmayne and his obnoxious hair?

And Colin Farrell? Dammit, am I going to have to see this movie? Because I sure wasn’t planning on it.

Oops, yep, I’m out again, back on the No Thanks train. By the way, if this character can do magic, can’t he magic his dumb hair back into place? Does Eddie Redmayne have a rider in his contract that stipulates that he won’t accept a part unless he’s styled so that you can tell he’s acting super hard from 50 yards away? When was the last time you saw this guy and didn’t want to give him a severe wedgie?

What’s the plot of this? Are they, like, magic detectives? This is like art deco meets Hunger Games meets wands. Eat your heart out, theater kids.

Much like Beasts, Free Fire also released 10 new character posters this week. These are a lot like The Nice Guys — actors you love, with guns and awesome 70s costumes! There’s no point in downplaying that. I remember when American Hustle came out and some people were like “Aw, but it’s just good looking people playing dress up!” as if that’s a bad thing.

Are the people good looking? Are the costumes awesome? That goes a long way. Now if it’s Eddie Redmayne with dumb hair and I want to sock him in the shoulder it has the opposite effect.

I don’t even know why there are other posters when you’ve got Sharlto Copley in a square-patterned suit. This is all you need.

Okay, Armie Hammer too. That doesn’t even look like Armie Hammer, but whatever. He’s clearly going for the sensitive ’70s psychotherapist look, with a tweedy jacket and turtleneck.

And starring Brie Larson as Patty Hearst. Okay, fine, I’ll bite, what’s this about? Per the official synopsis:

Justine (Brie Larson) has brokered a meeting in a deserted warehouse between two
Irishmen (Cillian Murphy, Michael Smiley) and a gang led by Vernon (Sharlto Copley) and Ord (Armie Hammer) who are selling them a stash of guns. But when shots are fired in the handover, a heart stopping game of survival ensues.

…Sounds cool. Though I’m not sure why they’re selling those guns, it looks like everyone already has one.

Here’s one of a new batch of posters for The Great Wall. Matt Damon looks like he’s very sorry to be starring to be in a movie called “The Great Wall.”

*record scratch*

*freeze frame*

Yep, that’s me. I bet you’re wondering how I got myself into this situation.

Hmm, guy in silk robe standing in front of a giant gong — where’s this movie set? New Jersey? I can’t place it.

“A great photograph can never happen again.” Hmm, really? I get the feeling there are like 10 versions of the one in the poster.

Poor Irrfan Khan. What’s even happening with his torso here?

To me, one of the most unwelcome cinematic developments of the past decade is the proliferation of these movies where dour people in suits walk quickly through hallways delivering worried dialogue. I mean at least in Bourne they sort of use it as B-story between shaky cam fight scenes, here it looks like the dull suit people are the main draw. Who finds this compelling?

HOLD ON TO YOUR BUTTS, THE PANTSUIT LADY IS FURROWING HER BROW!

See how Tom Hanks looks even more worried than the other ones? That’s because he knows too much.

*whispers* Zoom zoom. *cut to montage of Tom Cruise running back and forth, pumping his tiny legs for all he’s worth*

I actually laughed out loud when I saw this poster and texted it to friends. How does John Travolta keep finding sillier and sillier wig/facial hair combos? He should get a lifetime achievement award Oscar for this.

Frequent readers of this column are surely familiar with how much I hate mismatched faces and names at this point, and a lot of times, sure, maybe it’s a little nitpicky, but surely you can see how obnoxious it is in this poster, no? It’s bad enough that that doesn’t even look like Heather Graham, now you have to put a different name right above her face? THIS MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE.

Drones? Is it about drones?! Tell me I need to know! Anyway, looks cool.

Brood me, Jake Gyllenhaal. Brood all over my face. I also like how they put her parted red lips right at his crotch. No idea what this is about, but it looks sexy.

I’m getting a “sorta like Her” vibe from this. I think this is the first time I’ve seen Martin Starr (who I love) without glasses. It’s going to take a while getting used to this.

She’s in a heart-shaped torture cage and it’s called “Pet!” I have to say, this is a strong horror poster. On its own, and because it’s not about a haunted house or a creepy little kid.

I’m getting a German expressionist vibe here, like she’s stuck in Dr. Caligari’s cabinet. Ha, I totally said that to sound smart. Anyway, she looks oppressed. So, top work there.

The more I kept scrolling down the more intrigued I was. “Holy shit, there’s a doggy in this? Score.” –Uproxx.

My grandparents came back from Norway when I was a kid, and as a present, they got me this troll doll, which are apparently big in Norway. One of the biggest pastimes in Scandinavia is apparently scaring the shit out of little kids. This thing was terrifying. Long nose, huge teeth, big, piercing eyes. My parents had to hide it because it gave me nightmares.

Anyway, I always assumed the troll doll craze of the ’90s was this cutesy way to turn horrible trolls into these cute little friendly things. And then there’s this poster, with a troll that’s actually scarier in its way than the Norwegian troll doll. Like, that was nightmarish, but at least it wasn’t also rendered in garish colors and glitter and styled like what seems to be some 60-year-old’s idea of the latest tween trends. I’m saying we should hide this from little kids like my parents did.

This is clearly some kind of molest-y shut-in troll posing awkwardly with his yellow sex doll. I can’t read Chinese, do those words say “Sex Offender?” I don’t think kids should be seeing this movie.

See? I told you all horror movies are about a haunted house or a creepy little kid. What our movie presupposes is… maybe it has a red door?

Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.

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