This Week In Posters!

After a long hiatus during which I traveled to India, meditated at all the famous shrines, and learned to love again thanks to a burly Latin man, This Week in Posters is back. This week, we learn a lot more about Seth MacFarlane’s comedy western, find out which pop artist gets parodied by Jason Bateman, and watch Scarlett Johansson repel bullets with her tits. Enjoy.

22 Jump Street: They lined up the faces with the names and everything! And they’re not even standing diagonally! I swear, the 22 Jump Street marketing department just gets me. Thanks, guys.

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Bad Words looks great, and now we have a Roy Lichtenstein-esque poster. (See? That I was able to recognize this proves that my liberal arts education was not in vain). Is it just me, or does Jason Bateman’s mouth really look like Paul Rudd’s? Probably a good strategy, letting people confuse the two.

Here’s the first of a batch of posters for Big Bad Wolves, which is supposedly Quentin Tarantino’s favorite film of the year. This is literally the only thing I know about this film, by the way, and this poster has done nothing to change that. Ooh, dudes bound and gagged? Sign me up!

I still don’t know what it’s about, but this poster makes me want to see it a lot more than the last one. Why is the gun upside down? Tis a mystery.

I don’t know why they put out that first poster when they had all these awesome ones.

So… inside every sad wolf… is a happy one? Hmm. I don’t know how to read this. It’s sort of like those tragedy/comedy drama masks, but with wolves. Suddenly I wish I’d taken drama.

Ah! I see it’s the time of year for Generic New York Crime Drama #276. I love you, Clive Owen, please fire your agent.

Dude, awesome, it’s, like, Captain America. And he’s got on that hat from, uh… issue numer… uh, I dunno, one of you comic book readers needs to step in here. I’m just happy they put the capitol building in the background so that we’d know it’s in America.

I’m always baffled at how pervasive the “badass in a trench coat” trope is. Have you ever tried to move around in a trench coat? I could throw half a punch before it split up the back.

I can suspend disbelief for a lot of things, like evil alien dudes riding out of a giant spaceship on flying motorcycles, but the part where the hot chick with no superpowers chooses to fight an invading army with two pistols instead of a rifle is a bridge too far.

I call those pose “Christ with tits.”

And here’s Cap without the cap. Was this taken before the other one? It must’ve been. No way his hair looks good after being under a cap like that. Or maybe it does, and that’s why he’s Captain America. (*hums national anthem*)

This looks like a film about why you shouldn’t ask to touch a black person’s hair, and other facts. By the way, you don’t have to be black to have some serious questions about white people. Like, Dear White People, you do know you can eat tacos on days other than Tuesday, right? Dear White People, why do you all have a picture of yourself rock climbing in your online dating profiles? Like, I get that people rock climb, but how do you all have a picture of it? Are there cameras at the top, like Splash Mountain? Dear White People, what’s the deal with Adam Levine, like seriously? Dear White People, stop trying to make high-waisted jeans happen. Jesus, I could do this all day. Turns out I have a lot of complaints about white people.

A theater full of people singing along to a movie is my personal idea of hell.

Ooh, a famous pretty lady playing a dead famous pretty lady? I can’t wait. Has this ever been done before? Someone look it up.

All those review quotes can’t distract me from an insanely generic looking poster and an insanely generic looking title. When you’re titling your movie, wouldn’t one consideration be people actually being able to find your movie when they Google the name? Because it should be.

There are TWO PEOPLE in this f*cking movie. You seriously couldn’t put the name over the corresponding person? I will never understand why this is so difficult. Ugh. Anyway, when I posted the trailer for this earlier this week, a commenter suggested that Nic Cage’s character should be named “Joe Weirdbeard,” which I think is a fine idea.

Ooh, this certainly looks Sundancey.

I hope it’s just two hours of people looking morally conflicted.

Oh good, a dour kid with a weird haircut, I was worried he wouldn’t be in this.

Here’s the first of a big batch of A Million Ways to Die in the West posters. I think they might be double entendres. Also, doesn’t he actually have to be hanging for this pun to work? This just kind of says “check out my big dick.”

Come on, Charlize Theron’s boobs aren’t that big. I’ve done too much research on this topic to be tricked. And also, again, doesn’t she have to be actually holding guns for this pun to work?

Okay, this one works. And Sarah Silverman’s boobs are precisely that big. Don’t ask me how I know.

Again, she’s not actually digging gold. In fact, she looks like she’s never picked up a shovel in her life. Am I the only one bothered by this?

Neil Patrick Harris raising one eyebrow is never a bad thing. Did he really need so much makeup?

Heh, he wants to be “de-flowered.” I get it.

No. This poster is false and racist.

Dammit, I know they’re going to make 12 trillion of these movies and I will eventually get tired of them, but those damn puppets still put a smile on my face.

“BRING ME TWO OF EVERY ANIMAL!” -Russell Crowe ordering food at a restaurant. (I’m never going to stop making this joke).

What’s wrong with his face?! Also, I hope that this is the last shot or else this is going to be a really short movie.

“She became her sister and found herself.”

Sweet, now I don’t have to see the movie. Also, I notice Jake Johnson is in this. Maybe he and Oscar Isaac should’ve played the twins. Jake Johnson, Oscar Isaac, Adam Goldberg, and David Krumholtz. I think the glitch in the Matrix is guys who look like Oscar Isaac.

There is zero chance that I pay American currency to see 300: Rise of an Empire, but this poster is f*cking amazing.

Well cool, at least they didn’t go too cartoony with this one.

At first I was like, “aw, another vampire movie?” But then I saw that there were bland white people in it, and I was like “vampire movie here I come!” Phew. That was close. I almost missed a vampire movie that had bland white people in it. I would’ve been so upset!