This Week In Movie Posters: Werner Herzog’s Internet Doc, And The Marky Mark Disaster Tour

This week in This Week In Movie Posters begins with About Ray, a poster featuring a personal favorite of mine, the old cutting-your-hair-in-front-of-the-mirror-to-illustrate-a-personal-transition scene. Of course, I’m pretty sure this is about a transgender teen, so it’s more of a literal transition than a symbolic one, one of the few characters in cinema for whom it makes sense to shave her head in front of a mirror. Anyway, good luck looking like a boy with that button nose and perfect ballerina’s neck, Elle Fanning. That girl could have Aryan neck tats and still look like a bookish middle-schooler.

Disney went minimal with this teaser poster for their live-action Beauty and the Beast movie. What is that, a rose under a cloche? I guess I vaguely remember a magic rose having something to do with the Beauty and the Beast story, but mostly I just remember the singing candles and lamp shades and sh*t. Victims of your own success! Also, I don’t see a pot or any dirt. What is the rose growing in? Is that part of the canon, too? I refuse to look this up.

I like that they gave Ben-Hur an athletic, tow-in surfer stance, and not the usual “just standing up straight facing forward like a chode” they usually have in chariot racing (sidenote: is the main character’s name in Ben-Hur “Ben-Hur?” I also refuse to look this up). This makes me miss Richard Harrow. Does Ben-Hur roll around cold-bloodedly murdering bad guys while bashfully romancing hot babes? I sure hope so.

Brother, traitor, pride of Rome — wait, isn’t this the same plot as Exodus: Gods And Kings? Two brothers, one becomes a leader, the other a slave, Jesus is there at some point… Are Ben-Hur, The Ten Commandments, and Exodus all secretly the same movie? Someone research this for me.

Here’s a different version of the Ben-Hur character poster. You know, I’m going to take a bold stand here and say I like the one with the chariot race slightly better than the one where Ben-Hur is just standing there looking straight ahead like he’s taking a picture at the DMV.

Wait, is this guy different than Joseph Fiennes in Risen? THESE ARE ALL THE SAME MOVIE!

I don’t know, for a “believer” that face looks pretty skeptical.

I don’t know why Morgan Freeman in grey dreadlocks isn’t in every poster, that is all you need to sell this movie. Or any movie, really. Also… is he wearing a pin-striped zoot suit? Please tell me Morgan Freeman in dreadlocks and a zoot suit plays Ben-Hur’s unorthodox chariot mentor. He looks like he just walked out of the rave in Matrix 2.

Hmm, I’m not sure I’m familiar with this character.

Seeing them back-to-back like this, you realize how good a title “Blood Father” would be for a Jesus movie. Especially one directed by Mel Gibson. Anyway, I really like all the sky space in this poster. They may have done it to downplay the Mel Gibson thing, but it works.

Dirt, sparks, chunks of asphalt — what’s all that stuff flying around Mel Gibson? Why is there so much of it? You usually don’t see this much random crap flying around outside of a Transformers poster. There’s a recent poster design trend that says “more dirt clods” = “more action!”

I like this poster, but it makes me wonder how painful a middle-class white intellectual I am for liking it. Would you say this is more Wes Anderson or Little Miss Sunshine? It looks like Little Miss Sunshine as directed by Wes Anderson. Which I would totally watch.

HOPE IS NOT A TACTIC. Wait, does that mean we should give up hope? What’s a tactic? Send in Marky Mark? Hollywood really likes Marky Mark around when something bad happens. I’m surprised he’s not in the Sully movie. The only reason I can think for Marky Mark not to be in the Sully movie is that if Mark Wahlberg was there, it never would’ve happened. That bird never would’ve gotten near the intake. There would’ve been a lot of blood all over those clouds, that’s all I’m saying. “Hey, bird, ya like apples? Say hi to ya mothah faw me. POW, right in the beak.”

So is this movie about… a guy who kills people with a flying V guitar? Cool, cool.

A struggling painter is possessed by satanic forces after he and his young family move into their dream home in rural Texas, in this creepy haunted-house tale. [IMDb]

I didn’t get that from the poster, but I liked the story the poster told better. Cool design, though I did wonder if it was a reissue (it isn’t). Looking vintage probably isn’t a drawback for a horror movie. Anyway, this has been fun.

What’s inside?!? I bet it’s scary ghosts! It’s probably called “Don’t Breathe” because you don’t want to breathe in all of the ghosts. Get yourself a bad case of the ghost lung. No one wants that. My Uncle Pete died of the ghost lung. RIP, Pete, please don’t haunt my lungs.

“NPR presents: David Oyelowo and Dianne Wiest Pensively Stare At Water.”

Jeez, poster, maybe give me a hint? Like, are David Oyelowo and Dianne Wiest gonna do it in this? Because I’d watch that. If there’s going to be some Oyelowo-Weist sex action I’d like to know about it, no reason to play coy. And how dare you keep Rosie Perez off the poster.

Hmm, I don’t know about this profanity pun in a kid’s movie poster. Or the blatant symbolism of the dick-shaped squirrel tightly clutching a nut. Also, didn’t they release a new Ice Age movie like last month? I can’t keep track of these anymore.

Ooh, look at scary Daniel Radcliffe, everybody! Much transformation. Very departure. wow.

I don’t are what clothes you put on him, Daniel Radcliffe always look like a boy wizard.

Cool poster. It’s very important to understand that a lot of actors whose name you can sort of remember sometimes are smiling smugly in this. What are they doing? Doesn’t really matter. Which names go with who? Not important. This movie has people! White people! Pondering things! Acting self-satisfied!

I don’t know what that dude second from the bottom’s name is, but he looks like a young version of Fat Val Kilmer. Like if Val Kilmer never looked like young Val Kilmer, but was just a younger version of him when he was fat.

Oh yeah, it’s the close-eyed headbutt. The close-eyed headbutt actually fits perfectly in this one because of the title. The light between them is the light between the oceans! Honestly, it’s not too hard to make me want to see a movie where Michael Fassbender and Alicia Vikander do it. Just throw in a few pull quotes so we know it’s not a bait and switch. “This movie shows the dongs going in” — The Ghost of Roger Ebert.

Remember our F*ckstarter idea? Where we use crowdfunding to pledge money toward two really good-looking people having sex? This would be a perfect use for it.

Two hot 20-somethings who can’t take their eyes off a nebbishy dude played by professional awkward guy Jesse Eisenberg in a beautiful summer suit? Yeah, you really didn’t need to put “written and directed by Woody Allen” at the bottom there, we could’ve done the math.

It’s the monolith from 2001 in the form of a server, get it?? “Werner Herzog does the internet” is about all you needed to say. Also interesting that he dates the internet to 1969, using an image from a Stanley Kubrick, considering 1969 is the same year Stanley Kubrick helped the government fake the moon landing.

Get it? They’re monks, and they’re beaming information up to the cloud. Cyberspace is religion! These posters practically design themselves. Or at least, they’re clever enough that they feel obvious, which is always nice.

I’m so excited for this movie. I like to watch this clip of Werner Herzog talking about chickens and imagine he’s discussing MRAs on Reddit, or a Yahoo! Answers thread.

Cool poster for The Man Who Fell To Earth, but it feels like cheating when your poster subject naturally has crazy David Bowie eyes.

This one feature Bowie’s crazy eyes, but it’s very crotch-centric, so I forgive that. It’s like a giant tunnel leading straight to the crotch. DAVID BOWIE’S CROTCH IS YOUR GOD NOW.

It takes a bold man to show off that much sock. This is kind of like the ’50s version of seeing pictures of ’80s dudes in their high jeans, where the zippers are like 18-inches long.

A jazz pianist makes a discovery days before the death of his wife that causes him to believe his 65-year marriage was a lie. He embarks on an exploration of his own past that brings him face to face with a menagerie of characters from a bygone era. [IMDb]

Why haven’t we heard of this? According to IMDb, it was shot in 2013. Three-year delays don’t tend to happen to movies that are really good, but I like the color scheme…

The fact that these kids have been styled with perfectly clean, bright-colored clothes and meticulously spiked hair like they just stepped out of a Mervyn’s catalogue doesn’t really scream “worst years of my life” to me. Having terrible hair that you haven’t figured out how to style yet and food stains all over your dumb clothes is kind of central to the entire middle-school experience, and anyone who doesn’t understand that shouldn’t be making a movie about middle school.

Patriots Day is Marky Mark and Peter Berg’s movie about the Boston Marathon bombings, part of the ongoing Marky Mark Disaster Tour. Flag imagery is used ironically so often these days for things like Oliver Stone movies that this almost looks like it could be a poster for a Purge sequel.

This looks like a nice movie about a summer camp. But who is this Rafe Spall? Do you think Rafe Spall and Ralph Fiennes ever argue about the correct spelling of their name? “Hey, Ralph. … Ralph. RALPH!”

“Oh, beg pardon, were you talking to me? My name is ‘Ralph.’ It sounded like you were pronouncing it with an F.”

So is the fork flipping me off? And why is the person holding the table assignment up like she’s bidding at an auction? Oh well, as long as it’s another wedding comedy starring Anna Kendrick I’m sure it will be delightful. Hey, you think June Squibb will play a feisty grandmother who is surprisingly vulgar? It’s funny because old people don’t swear, why is she doing that!

Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.