This Week In Movie Posters: Werner Herzog’s Internet Doc, And The Marky Mark Disaster Tour

This week in This Week In Movie Posters begins with About Ray, a poster featuring a personal favorite of mine, the old cutting-your-hair-in-front-of-the-mirror-to-illustrate-a-personal-transition scene. Of course, I’m pretty sure this is about a transgender teen, so it’s more of a literal transition than a symbolic one, one of the few characters in cinema for whom it makes sense to shave her head in front of a mirror. Anyway, good luck looking like a boy with that button nose and perfect ballerina’s neck, Elle Fanning. That girl could have Aryan neck tats and still look like a bookish middle-schooler.

Disney went minimal with this teaser poster for their live-action Beauty and the Beast movie. What is that, a rose under a cloche? I guess I vaguely remember a magic rose having something to do with the Beauty and the Beast story, but mostly I just remember the singing candles and lamp shades and sh*t. Victims of your own success! Also, I don’t see a pot or any dirt. What is the rose growing in? Is that part of the canon, too? I refuse to look this up.

I like that they gave Ben-Hur an athletic, tow-in surfer stance, and not the usual “just standing up straight facing forward like a chode” they usually have in chariot racing (sidenote: is the main character’s name in Ben-Hur “Ben-Hur?” I also refuse to look this up). This makes me miss Richard Harrow. Does Ben-Hur roll around cold-bloodedly murdering bad guys while bashfully romancing hot babes? I sure hope so.

Brother, traitor, pride of Rome — wait, isn’t this the same plot as Exodus: Gods And Kings? Two brothers, one becomes a leader, the other a slave, Jesus is there at some point… Are Ben-Hur, The Ten Commandments, and Exodus all secretly the same movie? Someone research this for me.

Here’s a different version of the Ben-Hur character poster. You know, I’m going to take a bold stand here and say I like the one with the chariot race slightly better than the one where Ben-Hur is just standing there looking straight ahead like he’s taking a picture at the DMV.

Wait, is this guy different than Joseph Fiennes in Risen? THESE ARE ALL THE SAME MOVIE!

I don’t know, for a “believer” that face looks pretty skeptical.

I don’t know why Morgan Freeman in grey dreadlocks isn’t in every poster, that is all you need to sell this movie. Or any movie, really. Also… is he wearing a pin-striped zoot suit? Please tell me Morgan Freeman in dreadlocks and a zoot suit plays Ben-Hur’s unorthodox chariot mentor. He looks like he just walked out of the rave in Matrix 2.

Hmm, I’m not sure I’m familiar with this character.

Seeing them back-to-back like this, you realize how good a title “Blood Father” would be for a Jesus movie. Especially one directed by Mel Gibson. Anyway, I really like all the sky space in this poster. They may have done it to downplay the Mel Gibson thing, but it works.