FilmDrunk

This Week In Posters: ‘Wonder Woman,’ ‘Dark Tower,’ ‘Alien: Covenant,’ And More

This week in This Week in Posters, we begin with a couple new designs for Alien Covenant, which finally opens this week. These latest posters are okay, but not nearly as good as the first couple with the alien on them. I mean, no one’s buying a ticket to see the screaming humans, you know? Is there a rule that says you have to keep making new posters up until the release? They weren’t going to improve after that first one. Stop drillin’, you’ve struck oil!

But I thought in space, no one could hear me scream? I’m getting a lot of mixed messages here. Anyway, Katherine Waterston has a really long neck.

As I’ve said, all horror movies are about a haunted house or a creepy little kid. How do we spice up the ol’ haunted house poster? Add a creepy little kid! And you can tell it’s a remake because the kid is all greasy and covered in gore. That’s a remake rule. More grease, more gore. Everything’s new again!

Pretty ballsy to use a real-life, never captured serial killer as the basis for your horror movie. That’s going to be especially scary for the victims’ families.

The biggest twist with The Big Sick poster is that it’s not New York they’re standing in front of. Surprise! It’s actually Chicago. I hear the city is almost like another character. I really want to make fun of the urban folks wearing flannel and overalls, but that is exactly how I dress.

Bold, Planet of the Apes-esque poster for Blade Runner 2049 here. Though that particular statue head looks like the losing screen from ’90s era Civilization, except adapted to show that future people decided to worship blow-up sex dolls at some point. Hits a little close to home, frankly.

Here’s Baby Goose with his turtleneck covering his face. Is that to protect from all the fog? Did someone fart? Also, is the future warm tones or cold? It’s like they can’t decide whether this future should be a daylight white balance shooting indoors or an indoor white balance shooting outdoors. Cool Futurarri though.

It takes a lot to make me forget that this is yet another white boxer movie, so I have to give this poster credit. Maybe I was distracted by the awesomeness of that jacket. Or maybe it’s that it doesn’t read as a white boxer movie unless the main character is shirtless and bleeding from the nose. Anyway, I hear it’s not how hard you hit, it’s how hard you can get hit, and still keep moving forward.

I enjoy the idea of white boxers constantly whitesplaining boxing to black guys. “No no no, you glory boy, you’re not even bleeding. Here, let me show you how it’s done.” (*takes 10 unanswered punches straight to the faces*)

(*lying on the ground*) “There… (*cough, wheeze*) that’s how a real man fights…” (*passes out*)

Since the original? I’ll be honest, I don’t know anything about Blood Feast, so that yardstick means nothing to me. But this looks like a Fifty Shades sequel where they finally went for it, and I appreciate that.

The last Book of Henry poster was a literal book of Henry, so this is certainly an improvement. This one screams “the magical realist tale of a sensitive, precocious boy who never fit in.” The twist is that the boy is actually you.

One of the other posters even shows him holding a plunger. Nothing screams magical realist dramedy like anachronistic sports headgear and using household items as weapons.

Wow, nothing amplifies the ol’ gun-as-phallic-symbol metaphor thing like putting the gun right over Idris Elba’s crotch and having it throb with tumescent energy. Is he going to shoot me or get me pregnant? Probably both.

What are they standing on? Is that the actual dark tower? By the way, you can always tell McConaughey is playing the bad guy when he’s wearing lots of clothes. It’s his most unnatural state. And he always looks like he wants to punish someone for it. “A shirt?! I’ll get the bastard who did this to me…”

“The war on terror is about to hit home!”

I can’t tell if Sean Bean is about to order a drone strike or become my new stepdad. Also, did they draw a terrorist’s face in the satellite imagery up there? Subtle.

This is exactly what Ralph Steadman would draw if he were a love struck teen. Have you seen the trailer for this, by the way? It’s all of the teen weepies rolled into one.

Someone is always maybe dying in teen romance movies. It’s the writer’s way of saying “what if being a teenager actually was as dramatic as it feels?”

I’m surprised more teens don’t fake cancer.

You actually have to work to not make me intrigued by an old West movie about showdowns and gunfighters. Yet Hickock manages it. Turns out all it takes is weird Photoshopping, ill-fitting clothes, and a poster that make it look like they took it at a photo booth at the mall.

Do you think he’s buying one of those guns to protect that little girl? I bet he is. Title: The Hunter’s Prayer. Tagline: “It’s just business.” Hmm, do hunters live by the codes of business? Seems like a stretch.

Second tagline: “From Jonathan Mostow, visionary director of Terminator 3 and Breakdown.” Wow, speaking of stretches.

Whoa. Nic Cage kind of already lives in the uncanny valley, so the hyperfocused poster just amplifies that creepiness of it. I will see this only if it was written by Wallace Shawn.

This poster for Pirates Of The Caribbean Dead Men Something Something has the debris flying everywhere style of the modern blockbuster, but I enjoy the old-timey navigator theme. Also, the shark. I hear Johnny Depp is getting this done as a sleeve tat.

These Asian posters for Power Rangers have them picture with… their totems? Wait, do the Power Rangers have totems? Also, is this guy viper or hypnoturtle? Pick a totem, dude.

This looks like an ad for muay thai supplements. Not that that’s a bad thing.

What the hell is that thing?! A reindeer lion in a leisure suit? This guy has the best totem, and frankly I didn’t think they’d be able to top hypnoturtle.

P’caaaaawk!

This poster was cool enough that I immediately Googled Susanne Bartsch. Turns out she’s not even a mannequin.

Whoa, it looks like Optimus Prime is about to execute Bumblebee for crimes against Saudi Arabia. Now, a few things about this:

  1. I enjoy that humanoid robots who can transform into working automobiles fight using swords and hammers.
  2. What the hell is going on behind them?
  3. Optimus Prime has a Roman skirt!

I respect the fact that they line up the faces with the names. I’m not sure about everything else. Is that a Times Square New Year’s Eve ball inside a giant Tesla coil? I don’t know what’s happening here. But I bet the villain is a hacker.

What is this, like Fancy Rear Window?

What is all the crap flying around back there? Does anyone even know anymore? In any case, I love that this Wonder Woman poster combines diagonal stuff with debris flying everywhere with lens flare and a variation on rocket hands.

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