Weekend Box Office: The Lone Ranger Bombed and No One Liked It

Jerry Bruckheimer’s bloated turd of a Lone Ranger movie tanked this weekend while Despicable Me 2 won the day, which is crazy, because from everything I’ve read about children, they just adore adaptations of semi-racist radio serials from the 30s. The $250 million budgeted Lone Ranger managed just $29.4 million for the three-day weekend, and $48.9 million for the five-day weekend, still well below even the studio’s lowered expectations of $65 million. I’m so f*cking proud of you right now, America. USA! USA! (*shoots roman candle out ass while singing the Star Spangled Banner*)

Meanwhile, weekend number one, the debuting Despicable Me 2, took in $82.5 million, as the overall box office was up 12 percent from last year.

On Wednesday, “Despicable Me 2” had the highest opening day ever for an animated feature (behind the Friday opening of “Toy Story 3” and “Shrek the Third“) and marked the highest Wednesday opening of all time for Universal. On Thursday, it had the second highest Thursday gross in history (behind “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen“). With a budget of $76 million, the film has already made its money back three times, on its way to cross the worldwide $300 million mark this weekend. [Indiewire]

Through its first five days, Despicable Me 2 earned an estimated $142.1 million. That’s just ahead of Toy Story 3 ($141 million) for top five-day start ever for an animated movie; while the differing release patterns keeps that from being a true apples-to-apples comparison, it still does give a good idea how immensely popular the sequel was over the holiday weekend. [WeekendBoxOffice]

But if people will no longer pay to watch Johnny Depp make silly faces, how will he afford to maintain his extensive collection of baubles and trinkets!?

Now, a lot of people are going to cry about people like me dancing on Lone Ranger‘s grave, as if me and the other big bad film writers all got together and decided that this was the movie we were going to hate while giving equally bad ones a pass. I assure you, those meetings do not exist, and if they did I wouldn’t go because the food would be probably be terribly bland on account of everyone’s crippling food allergies, and anyway I’m scared of contracting beard lice.

The thing is this: Jerry Bruckheimer is bad for movies (at least since his old partner Don Simpson died). He makes watered-down turds with the hopes that they’ll appeal to the widest swath of people, but even best-case scenario, people will only sort of put up with them. They’re not the kinds of movies that people love, that turn more people into moviegoers, that get people excited about going to the movies. Movies like Lone Ranger? Hey, go ahead and bet on them if you think it’ll make you some money (I highly doubt it got made because the creative team was super passionate about the story), but don’t expect me to cheer on a cynical product. And when it tanks, yeah, I’m going to laugh like Nelson Muntz because I’m kind of a prick. Lone Ranger probably isn’t the worst movie ever, but I promise, there are worthier objects of your pity than Jerry Bruckheimer and company.

1. Despicable Me 2 (Universal) – $82,518,000

2. The Lone Ranger (Buena Vista) – $29,432,000

3. The Heat (Fox) – $25,000,000 ($86,398,000)

4. Monsters University (Buena Vista) – $19,590,000 ($216,127,000)

5. World War Z (Paramount) – $18,200,000 ($158,758,000)

6. White House Down (Sony) – $13,500,000 ($50,478,000)

7. Man of Steel (Warner Bros.) – $11,415,000 ($271,206,000)

8. Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain (Lionsgate) – $10,100,000

9. This Is The End (Sony) – $5,800,000 ($85,554,000)

10. Now You See Me (Lionsgate) – $2,770,000 ($110,415,000) [Indiewire]

Fantasy Summer Box Office Standings

Bret came up HUGE this week with Lone Ranger being his bomb pick, but even with Lone Ranger as a non-bomb, Laremy’s the leader in the clubhouse. Pacific Rim needs to make like $100 million for me to be in this thing.

Laremy (First overall pick)

1. Iron Man 3 – $175.3

2. Man of Steel $117 million / $225 million budget = 52%, 100 minus 52 = 48.

3. Epic: 33.5

4. Lone Ranger: 29.4

Total: 286.2

Vince (2nd pick):

1. 6 Fast 6 Furious: 97.4

2. Pacific Rim

3. The Wolverine

4. We are the Millers (Bomb)

Total: 97.4

Bret (3rd pick)

1. Star Trek 2: 71

2. Despicable Me 2: 82.5

3. Lone Ranger (Bomb): 29m on a 250m budget = 12%, 100 – 12 = 88.

4. After Earth: 27

Total: 268.5

Brendan (4th pick)

1. Man of Steel: 113

2. Hangover 3: 41.7

3. The Internship: 18.1

4. The Great Gatsby (Bomb): $51 million on a $105 million budget, which equals 49 percent of budget, subtracted from 100 is 51.

Total: 224

Ben (5th):

1. Monsters University: 82

2. Planes

3. World War Z: 66

4. World War Z (Bomb): $66 million on a $190 million budget, equals 34.7 percent of budget, 100 minus 35 equals 65.

Total: 213