Weekend Movie Guide: “Not If I Find You First!”

In Wide Release This Weekend: Abduction, Moneyball, Killer Elite, Dolphin Tale

This weekend actually has a little something for everyone, so chances are if you’re in the mood for a movie, then you’ll find something you like. Unless you’re a soccer-loving, socialist thalassophobe, in which case you’re SOL. Go rent Bridesmaids or something. Me, I’ll be at Pearl Jam 20 pretending like I’m a teen again.


Rotten Tomatoes Score: 0%

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“This laughable yarn is intended simply as a vehicle to draw teen audiences eager to feast their eyes upon Twilight heartthrob Taylor Lautner. And, yes girls, he does take off his shirt and expose his muscled physique rather quickly into the proceedings.” – Claudia Puig, USA Today

“But Abduction is as uninterested in psychological unease as it is in innovative action, and simply shuffles together explosions, bloodless fight scenes and incongruous romantic interludes with little regard for orchestrating tension.” – Andrew Barker, Variety

Armchair Analysis: A few weeks ago, Vince asked me on the Frotcast what my top awkward movie laugh moment was, and I know that if I saw this movie in the theater, it would be when Lautner says, “Not if I find you first.” I laugh hysterically every time the commercial airs. This movie could be the funniest of the year.


Rotten Tomatoes Score: 94%

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“From top to bottom the casting is inspired. Mr. Pitt couples a star presence—there’s a singular there there whenever the A’s general manager is in camera range—to a beautifully measured ensemble performance that makes Billy a minimalist ironist, tossing off funny remarks with an abandon that almost conceals his deep anger, pain or self-doubt.” – Joe Morgenstern, Wall Street Journal

“This is the heretical premise of the thoughtful and entertaining Moneyball, based on the equally iconoclastic bestseller by Michael Lewis. Starring Brad Pitt in top movie star form, it’s a film that’s impressive and surprising.” – Kenneth Turan, L.A. Times

Armchair Analysis: The book was really good if you’re a baseball fan. That’s why it was smart that they strayed from Steven Soderbergh’s original idea to make this movie documentary style and go with a semi-fictitious take, written by Aaron Sorkin. Still, unless you’re a baseball fan or a woman who can sit in place and drool over Brad Pitt for two hours, this might not be your most ideal movie. And if you are a baseball fan, then you already know how it ends, but it should be worth it just to see Royce Clayton play Miguel Tejada.

Killer Elite

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 25%

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Expect the usual demolition derby, macho one-liners, and perfunctory romance (between Statham and Aussie babe Yvonne Strahovski). Three months from now this will be just another entry in some blog round-up of De Niro’s worst movies, a competition that gets tougher all the time.” – J.R. Jones, Chicago Reader (Demolition, one-liners, the hot chick from “Chuck”… so what’s the problem?)

“Though far from incompetent, McKendry’s direction is equally scattershot, with murky visuals, awkward dramatic beats, and noisy action sequences. In the end, it’s hard to view The Killer Elite as anything more than an opportunity to put three tough guy actors on a movie poster and wait for the box office dollars to roll in. I suspect they won’t.” – Jeff Meyers, Detroit Metro Times

Armchair Analysis: The reviews can kiss 25% of my killer butt. Statham, Owen, and DeNiro – unless it’s Rocky and Bullwinkle 2, I’m seeing this and I already know I’m going to love it. Of course, I imagine this is a movie that requires its audience to suspend disbelief and amp up the testosterone before viewing it, which seems to be something the critics don’t understand. You can’t exactly expect this to be Philadelphia. Well, unless Andrew Beckett had a cool accent and an assault rifle. It would be pretty cool to watch him karate chop AIDS.

Dolphin Tale

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 86%

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“There’s something classy about Dolphin Tale, which operates on the theory that children don’t need a flatulence joke every five minutes to keep them from rioting in the theater aisles.” – Peter Hartlaub, San Francisco Chronicle

Tale is the story of a bionic Flipper who hurts her tail in a crab trap, gets a prosthetic replacement, and gives hope to others with disabilities. It may not be a great movie, but it is an exceptionally touching one.” – Carrie Rickey, Philadelphia Inquirer

Armchair Analysis: If you worry that your young child is caught in a downward spiral toward a world of drugs and gang violence, then maybe you can take him to see this and he’ll fall in love with dolphins and want to become a marine biologist. That’s the one main positive of this inspirational tale. But your kid will still get hooked on drugs, so don’t get your hopes up too much.