Weekend Movie Guide: Stop Ruining ‘GI Joe: Retaliation’ For Me

Opening Everywhere: GI Joe: Retaliation, The Host, Temptation, The Place Beyond the Pines

Movie That I’m Going To Hunt Down Even If I Have To Walk 500 Miles: Room 237 (It’s a documentary about The Shining)

Special Plug: The Manson Family is being re-released for another limited theater run, with the following upcoming cities and dates:

3/30/2013 Landmark’s Sunshine Cinema – New York, NY
3/30/2013 Alamo Drafthouse Vintage Park – Houston, TX
4/03/2013 Granoff Center for the Arts – Providence, RI
4/05/2013 Landmark’s Ritz Bourse – Philadelphia, PA
4/05/2013 Landmark’s Egyptian Theatre – Seattle, WA
4/06/2013 Landmark’s Egyptian Theatre – Seattle, WA

You can check out the rest of the upcoming dates and details here.

FilmDrunk Suggests: Spicy Nacho Doritos. Oh, you mean for a movie? I don’t know, people are actually telling me good things about GI Joe: Retaliation – at least from the “Dude, it’s hilarious” point of view – so maybe that. Especially since a very significant plot point was already spoiled for me. Hold on… yes, I’m being told via Morse code that GI Joe: Retaliation has no plot points. Carry on.

GI Joe: Retaliation

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 31% critics, 76% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Plays like a tiresomely extended evening of channel surfing.” – Keith Uhlich, Time Out New York

“No go, ‘Joe’.” – Tom Long, Detroit News

Armchair Analysis: I’ve read a few bits and rumors that this movie isn’t necessarily a sequel as it is, “Hey, remember all that crap that happened in the first film? Well, forget it.” Like Rocky Balboa trying earnestly to pretend like Rocky V never happened or Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance trying to at least laugh at the first Ghost Rider film, I can’t imagine that a film that has been promoted with a clip of Bruce Willis firing a machine gun from the back of an El Camino is taking itself too seriously. But like I said, something about it has been spoiled for me, and it makes me think that maybe Retaliation is an attempt to set up an all-around fun third film. Who knows or cares, really.

The Host

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 8% critics, 71% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“A goofball teenage sci-fi romance, ‘The Host’ is an End of Days parable that seems like it was written at a slumber party.” – Adam Graham, Detroit News

“The Host raises many questions, among them, how has it taken this long for Diane Kruger to play an alien?” – Stephanie Zacharek,

Armchair Analysis: It’s a film based on something Stephanie Meyer wrote, so these kids should all be famous very soon, with millions of teenagers willing to kill themselves over who the actors and actresses are dating. I really love what you’ve done with the place, America.


Rotten Tomatoes Scores: No critics score HOW CONVENIENT, 80% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“The first half is a functional (if exceedingly predictable) melodrama before devolving, just as predictably, into a cautionary cartoon.” – My very good friend William Goss,

“Tyler Perry’s insane, inane Old Testament-style morality tale.” – Nick Schager, Time Out New York

Armchair Analysis: I was going to post the trailer for this film last week, but I couldn’t do it with writing very mean comments about it, because this movie looks horrendous. And I’m trying to be a nicer person in 2013, but there’s a scene in the trailer where the guy is all, “Babe, not now, I’m watching SPROTS!” and it just reminds us that Tyler Perry thinks his audience is stupid. And he might be right, because he cast Kim Kardashian in this film and people are going to pay money to watch her say something like, “Hurrrr Mark Zuckerberg”.

The Place Beyond the Pines

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 71% critics, 82% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“The movie is intimate in its telling, sweeping in its issues and stumbles only occasionally.” – Betsy Sharkey, L.A. Times

“Its ambitions – even its unrealized ones – are a great part of its power.” – Stephen Whitty, Newark Star-Ledger

Armchair Analysis: I don’t even know what this movie is about, but if it gives me the chance to watch Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes have sex without getting arrested, I’m all for it.