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Vin Diesel Rides A Motorcycle Underwater In The Trailer For ‘xXx: The Return Of Xander Cage’

Back in 2008, I wrote a treatment for Ninetuple X, a sequel to xXx that would return Vin Diesel’s Xander Cage to the franchise. Paramount opted instead for xXx: The Return of Xander Cage, from writers F. Scott Frazier and Chad St. John (great porn name) and Eagle Eye/I Am Number Four director DJ Caruso, who isn’t an actual DJ, though it seems like he should be for this assignment.

Do I have hard feelings? Nah, I put those aside when I saw Vin Diesel wearing robot hands five seconds into the trailer. At 26 seconds, he jumps off an antenna (that’s the A in BASE jumping, FYI) and then skis through the jungle, without the benefit of a parachute OR snow. He’s just that XXXtreme (he does, strangely, still have poles). Have we mentioned that Vin Diesel turned 49 yesterday? Dad bod? More like rad bod, am I right?

Honestly, this movie looks like it has everything. Slowed down dramatic cover (of “Voodoo Chile”)? Yep. Someone landing in a tripod position? Definitely. …Wait, is that Michael Bisping?

And of course, incredible dialogue, such as:

“We need people with the skills and the attitude to take on threats we don’t even know exist.”

And…

“We need someone who can ride into a tornado and walk out the other side like it was a damn gentle breeze.”

You know, if I didn’t know better, I’d think they were talking about xXx.

And all that’s before Vin Diesel comes frolicking topless out of the surf like a Bond girl and grinds his skateboard across the side of a bus.

Wait a second, is he missing his nipple tattoo? He must’ve gotten it removed. That doesn’t seem very xxxtreme. Don’t think you can take away xXx’s nipple tattoos and we aren’t going to notice.

Anyway, xXx also jumps a motorcycle off of a wave while Samuel Jackson says “and try to look dope while you’re doing it,” because obviously no one wants to look like a nerd while they’re duck diving their dirtbike through 40-foot surf.

I never thought anyone would top the Point Break remake for xtremeness, but it looks like the writers of xXx saw Point Break‘s jumping-a-skateboard-off-a-ramp-built-into-a-party-yacht-parked-at-a-big-wave-contest-at-Teahupoo scene and took it as a personal challenge. And now we benefit. Take my money now.

xXx: The Return of Xander Cage opens January 20.

Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.

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