FilmDrunk

Your Mid-Week Guide To DVD And Streaming: Visit Moonrise Kingdom with a few Female Vampires

You’ll probably note that I am not highly regarded DVD/Streaming writer, Morton Salt. My guess is Morton is off in the Morton mines, or he’s taking the mandated “stay-cation” that James Uproxxxx demands of his minions, or perhaps he just needed a break from a column that’s approximately 4,000 words long. Whatever the case, you’re stuck with me, Laremy (I go by “L-Sizzle” or “Big Booty Legel”).

We’re going to have fun, you and I, because we’re going to talk about all of your options for home video this week, which is a way better plan than simply talking about all of our problems instead (example: Windows 95 computer won’t boot, has really good photos of ex-girlfriend). Here’s a listing of your options for the week:

On DVD, Blu-ray, and/or Streaming
Avatar (3D Blu-ray + Blu-ray/ DVD Combo Pack)
A League of Their Own [Blu-ray]
Alcatraz: The Complete Series
Female Vampire (with Erotikill): Remastered Edition
Legendary Amazons
Mad Men: Season Five
Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted
Moonrise Kingdom
Neil Young Journeys
Rock of Ages
The Santa Clause 3-Movie Collection
That’s My Boy

I won’t front, that’s not exactly the ’27 Yankees of home video options. Some of these titles are likely to cause cancer, and some of other ones wear pink all the time to remind you to be aware of cancer. But there are a few gems, if you care to look a leeetle deeper.

So let’s get in there together, as a family, and get some!

Avatar
I tell you what’s not difficult to obtanium, Avatar on home video. You have a myriad of options. Truly, by now everyone and their second cousin has seen Avatar. But have you seen it on 3D in your living room? No, of course not, no one has, because you’re not the sort of person who sits around in your house wearing glasses, are you? Still, this is the sort of person James Cameron wants you to be, so that’s the type of person you should at least consider being. If not, you know, the economy will end up in shambles, and then ol’ big booty Legel will be out on his keister, selling that sweet tuchus for rent money. I mean, just look how earnest all these people are! AAAAAH, I WANT THE NA’VI TO JUMP OUT AT ME! I WANT IT SO BAD!!

A League of Their Own [Blu-ray]
Tom Hanks is a lovable scamp, isn’t he? A League of Their Own harkens back to an era where you could simply make a movie featuring more than two women in the shot and have it be considered “progressive”. Frankly, I miss those times. These days, ladies, what with all their “voting” and their “eradicating scurvy” agenda, are simply everywhere. Anyway, buying A League of Their Own wouldn’t kill you, would it? Stop being a prude.

Alcatraz: The Complete Series
In this case, the “complete series” refers to one whole season. This was another case of ambition and a room full of coke trumping narrative ability – the concept here was your standard “closed prison where ghosts of people came back and then they have to solve a mystery” rigamarole.

So yeah, it was basically an Alf rip-off.

Female Vampire (with Erotikill): Remastered Edition

If we were any kind of real men, and not the sort of men who head to Scarftown on a regular basis, we’d be playing this movie at the Live Frot in Chicago (tickets are available!). The clip is delightful, the theme adult, and the phrase “sucked the life out of him” is thrown around with reckless abandon. What I’m saying here is if you rented this, and I was in the area, we could crush some fo’ties and just enjoy ourselves, pants off style.

Legendary Amazons I don’t know anything about Legendary Amazons, and you don’t either, but we can both agree that it features horrendous box art. Pretty nice little trailer though, featuring the dialogue, “This is no Imperial Edict, but an order of going for death!”

Strangely, that’s the tagline on the new Al Pacino movie, That’s An Order!, in theaters in February of 2013.

Mad Men: Season Five I don’t watch Mad Men, because I can’t afford AMC, but I’ve hung out with a bunch of the writers before, so I know for a FACT that they are going to end the series with Jon Hamm as Forest Gump’s dad.

If you choose to keep watching, even though you know they’re only going to hurt you, then I won’t be held accountable.

Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted
100 million people watched Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted when it was released in June. That’s not hyperbole, that’s a legitimate statement based on math. The film earned a healthy 76 percent on RottenTomatoes. What I’m getting at is simple, with all these millions of Madagascar 3 fans coming off the boat each day, if you could organize them, you’d have yourself an army. A tiny, three-foot army that would be highly susceptible to pink eye, but still, an army.

Moonrise Kingdom
I’m ashamed to admit I haven’t seen this, though I’ve seen every other Wes Anderson film. On more than one occasion I researched when Moonrise Kingdom was playing at the theater, about a block from my house, but then I just went and lived my life instead.

So there’s my confession. I own many leather bound books, and my study reeks of fine mahogany, but I missed the screening and then I never paid to guzzle. If various agencies find out, I’m dead meat. I’ve heard it’s really good, and I enjoy Wes Anderson’s work, if only because you have to in order to get your “movie critic” membership card. Still, if there’s one movie we should all agree to support this week, it’s this one, because otherwise we’re just going to get a 100,000 kid army showing up at our door, demanding recompense.

NOTE: Rumor has it they’ll be releasing a Criterion Edition of this, which is why the features on this initial version are so janky. So you’d be well within your hipster rights to save dem duckets, holding out for the real thing.

Neil Young Journeys
I saw Neil Young in concert once. It was in an area that had a noise ordinance, and we were outdoors, so at 11pm the promoter fired up the house lights, so as to get ol’ Neil off the stage. Didn’t take. He kept right on playing. Some people sort of sidled out, not sure what to do, as the visual clues (house lights) didn’t gibe with the audio clues (Neil playing “Heart of Gold“). Neil Young basically doesn’t give a care about no stinkin’ noise ordinance. He watched buddies die face down in the mud so you and I could enjoy this little talk about home video. He’s seen the needle, and the damage done. That to me, tells you all you need to know about Mr. Young, and whether or not you should Netflix instant this puppy.

But anyway, yeah, that concert. It was a moment.

Rock of Ages
The only real reason to see this film is for Tom Cruise, and for the many moments he gets very Tom Cruise-y. Julianne Hough is given the most vanilla part to work with, yet she somehow makes it even more bland than that, because vanilla actually tastes pretty good. Especially french vanilla.

If they ever make a version of this where the completely cut the Hough storyline out, I’ll purchase. Until then, I’m out.

That’s My Boy
Plenty of people want to bag on Adam Sandler, and I am one of those people, but I feel a clear delineation must be made when you’re discussing the oeuvre of Sandler. When Sandler does “family” comedy, Jack and Jill, Grown Ups, Chuck and Larry, Click – yeah, it’s putrid. When he does R-rated comedy, as he does throughout That’s My Boy, it’s actually fairly palatable. Not amazing, not transcendent, but you could watch it on a Wednesday night in the background of your Magic the Gathering game or whathaveyou.

That’s all for this weekend’s DVD guide. Please tune in next week, Mr. Salt will be back, and he will blow the (metaphorical) roof off this joint. Thanks for reading, I really enjoyed your company.

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