Hollywood Is Planning A Movie About A Dark, Badass, Viking Santa Claus

03.05.14 4 years ago 9 Comments

gammasquadbadasssantaWhether or not badass Santa will be played by Bill Goldberg is, thus far, unestablished. 

Well, I guess it had to happen eventually — as part of their quest to transform every fairy tale and myth into a dark, CGI laden, Lord of the Rings-esque blockbuster, Hollywood just had to get around to badass-ing up Santa eventually. Er, I mean, Santa’s not a myth! Noooo, he’s real! Are, uh, the kids out of the room yet?

So yeah, Sony Pictures has won a hotly contested bidding war for the script to Winter Knight, a new dark, Norse-themed origin tale for Santa based, very loosely I’m assuming, on Frank L. Baum’s The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus. Joachim Ronning and Espen Sandberg, who will also be directing the upcoming Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales, will be helming the movie.

I can see it all now — a clean-shaven Charlie Hunnam can play Santa and Mrs. Claus can be, uh, Kristen Stewart? The movie can culminate in a brutal half-hour long CGI battle against the abominable snow monsters, after which Santa emerges from a pile of bloody snow and gives a kid a present or something. The fraught manliness of the battle has caused a slight amount of stubble to grow on Santa’s chin and one of his hairs to turn white. He then blasts off in his wolf-drawn, rocket-powered sleigh, laughing a manly hardy-har-ha-har (ho ho ho is your daddy’s lame-ass Santa).

Yup, this is gonna be awful.

via The Mary Sue

Around The Web