‘Big Brother’ recap: Will Wil go — or will Joe?

08.16.12 7 years ago 29 Comments

Well, Frank (who is just too crazy good at these competitions — take that, Comp Queen Janelle) controlled the house with both HOH and POV status, so Wil and Joe remain on the block. Yes, Frank could have tried to throw Dan under the bus, but Boogie prevailed. The alliances of the Silent Six and the Quack Pack are still in effect. Although I almost want Ian out just so I never have to hear Quack Pack used in a sentence again, although I suspect some fast food joint is already planning to use it for a chicken sandwich combo.

Anyway, let’s check in with our nervous little hamsters. Wil is pissed! He gave Frank such a good idea, and he blew it! Meanwhile, Joe is already cooking. Literally. I realize that he thinks his delicious meals will give him safety in the house, but this is the mindset that never seems to pay off on any reality TV show. On “Survivor,” it’s all about being able to fish or make fire, and really, I think that just turns you into a target. Here, cooking well just makes your short-sighted housemates fat and compliant — to the will of whoever is HOH, which is usually never the chubby person working the stove.

Britney is worried. Danielle is worried. Britney is going to give herself an ulcer this season, I swear. She tells Dan he NEEDS to win HOH, but Dan doesn’t see it happening.

Joe talks to Ashley. Can he count on her vote? Ashley says maybe, which Joe realizes is “no way in hell” in reality TV talk. Joe would yell at her, but I think his voice is worn out from screaming in the interview room.

Up in the HOH suite, Dan talks to Frank. Frank decides honesty is the best policy (noooo!) and tells Dan he did think about back dooring him. But he didn’t! So Dan should trust him, right! Dan nods, but in the interview room he reveals that he now knows Frank is a backstabbing snake waiting for an opportunity, so he’ll try to shove him out the door first. Oh, Frank, what were you thinking? Of course, Dan doesn’t see himself winning HOH anytime soon, so maybe Frank has nothing to worry about for a while.

Ashley, eager to get intel for Wil, asks Frank on an ice cream date. Ian is hurt! That’s his firtmance! Ian is such a wuss. To paraphrase “Downton Abbey” (which is not something that comes immediately to mind when you’re watching “Big Brother”), “She thinks that when she puts down a toy it will still be there when she wants it.” Although the she in this case is Ian. Wimp. Ian should be worried, by the way. Ashley and Frank don’t have ice cream, but booze. Ashley needs some manly testosterone! Frank tells her they can make out on the couch. She demurs. But Frank merrily informs her he’s not joking. So they do make out on the couch! Ashley declares him Channing Tatum-esque. I think this could be a showmance, but only if Ashley gives it a push in that direction. Frank seems perfectly happy to have gotten a little somethin’ – somethin’ and that’s about it.

Ian really hopes she doesn’t make out with Frank. He thought they were exclusive! The only thing that would make this more amusing would be if Ian walked in on Ashley and Frank, but alas, it doesn’t happen.

Wil asks Britney, Shane and Danielle what they’re thinking. Hey, he’d love an alliance! They stare at him, blinking and silent like giant sloths. Awkward! Joe does the same thing, though, and gets a slightly more lively response. He’s extremely loyal and cooks a lot! Britney seems to like this option. If Joe weren’t so screamy, he’d be her dream teammate!

Joe tells Dan he misses his kids and his wife, Sarah. He can’t wait to get HOH so he can see them! Joe tells Dan he was dating his wife’s mom before he met her. Just kidding! Her mom set her up, then corresponded with Joe for two months pretending to be Sarah. How Cyrano dDe Bergerac of her! Sarah and Joe have a 15-year-old girl, an 11-year-old boy and 10-year-old twins. Sarah, his wife, thinks he’s so hot! The kids miss his cooking. At least someone appreciates his cooking. The family watches footage of the show. Not surprisingly, they HATE Boogie. Oh, and his son would like him to shave the white thing off his face. Me, too!

Sarah would like her husband to stop yelling in the interview room. Hey! Me, too! I’m liking Joe’s family quite a bit, and I’m wondering if he acts more normal at home.

It’s time for Jeff (of Jeff and Jordan fame) to stop by to chat with the Chenbot. He’s played twice and didn’t win. Would he go back? Well, kind of. He and Jordan just moved to Santa Monica! And yes, he has plans to buy her a ring. She gave him a deadline — his birthday, June 5. Oooooh! I’m stunned that they have a more successful relationship than 90 percent of all competitors on “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette.” Jeff thinks anyone could win this game, which is a useless non-answer which makes me think the Chenbot must be regretting inviting the guy to the set at all. Jeff notes that the strong players seem to go, so he’s pulling for Ian. Really? Ian seems a little cerebral for Jeff, I have to say. Not that Ian has been playing a cerebral game, of course.

Oh, and since Jeff interviews evicted house guests for CBS.com, the Chenbot asks him to turn the tables. What kind of player would she be? Think Boogie meets Janelle. She’d constantly play everyone. She’d be Be Smooth Julie. I think I’m a little terrified of the Chenbot.

But enough of Jeff! It’s time for the Chenbot to talk to the hamsters. She tells them a lot has happened in the world, so she’s going to give them a current events pop quiz. Really? I don’t think these guys followed current events before they went in the house, so why would they be able to guess what’s going on in the world now? She could tell them Canada won Seattle in a bar bet, the Olympics are being held in 2013 and Obama was re-elected last month and they’d TOTALLY buy it. Anyway, the Chenbot fires off questions. So who’s getting married — Jennifer Aniston or Jennifer Lopez? They guess Lopez, but it’s Aniston. Who won the most gold medals — China or the US. Boogie guesses China, but he’s wrong — which just makes me happy. There was a big trade in the NBA — Dwight  Howard was traded to… the Lakers. I am getting tired of the camera cutting to Boogie, who seems to think he has some psychic connection to the outside world. Then, the Chenbot gives them three possibilities and suggest there’s just one right answer — KPatz split, the Mars rover roved and the first female reffed an NFL game. But aha! Not just one is correct! They’re all true! Everyone is shocked! About Kristen Stewart, not that other stuff.

Finally, it’s time for Wil and Joe to plead for leniency. Wil feels he’s in a win-win situation. He loves his new friends, but if he goes home, he gets to be with his awesome family and friends. He loves and adores everyone! Wil knows he’s going home. Joe assures everyone he’s taking human whispering classes. And he’s not playing a Sharon Osbourne game. I think he’s trying to be funny, but this is so convoluted and weird, no one seems to know what to do.

Ashley votes… to evict Joe.
Boogie votes… to evict Wil. And waves to his kid.
Danielle votes… to evict Wil. She does so sadly, however.
Jenn votes… to evict Joe.
Dan votes… wait, he tells Chenbot she’s beautiful. Again. He votes to evict Wil.
Britney votes… to evict Wil.
Shane votes… to evict Wil. After noting Julie looks very beautiful. Wil is going home.
Ian votes… to evict Wil.

Ian really needs to remove the shirt he’s wearing and burn it. Anything that emphasizes man boobs on a skinny guy is a bad thing.

The verdict is delivered, and Wil takes his  hair out of a ponytail and hugs everyone before heading outside to talk to the Chenbot.

The Chenbot asks the usual questions. Why does he think he was ousted? Will thinks he was seen as a bigger threat than Joe. Well, yes. So is a sofa or a throat lozenge. The Chenbot asks why he didn’t lie to Boogie and Frank. He wanted to be real! Oh, Wil, you were just in a bad, bitchy mood, admit it.

We watch the farewell videos. Joe is initially gracious, then gloating. Yeah, not gracious, Big Loud Joe. Someone will try to choke you with a breaded chicken cutlet if you keep with the crappy attitude. Dan tells Wil he would have liked to keep him in the game, but his emotions got the best of him. Ashley thinks he needed to kiss some butt. Or some Frank. Mmmmm, Frank. Boogie tells him he wished he could have coached him. The videos end, and the Chenbot tells Wil about the Silent Six. He knew it! Then Wil is shown the door. Waah-waah.

Time for the HOH competition! Fill a jug, remove a cork, blah blah blah. They have to walk on a slippery surface. Basically, the same damn challenge we’ve seen 100 times. I most vividly recall Jordan eating it on this one when it involved laundry soap. But this does have a nice twist. The hamsters have to carry fluid from one end of the field to the other, but they have three choices — they can either try to fill a jug that offers safety to the winner, a jug that offers the HOH, or a jug that features the prize we all just Tweeted about. Anyway, America voted to tempt the hamsters with a $10,000 cash prize — I Tweeted for the other option, which was a have-not pass for the rest of the season, but I guess the money is more tempting to these guys. I don’t think they ever consider they’ll have to cough up a major chunk of it in taxes.

Ian and a few other hamsters decide to crawl, but Joe (of all people) seems to be gliding along pretty quickly on two feet. Wait, take that back. No one’s going all that fast. Well, we’ll hear about who won this on the great Interwebs.

Next Thursday we have a double eviction! Talk about a good week to be HOH!

Before we wrap up, the Chenbot reports that only Boogie is trying for the money. Four of the hamsters are going for safety and four are going for HOH. I can probably guess who’s going for what, can’t you?

What did you think about the eviction? Who do you think will win HOH? Do you think you would have gone for the money, safety, or HOH?

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