Slowly-deflating sex doll Lana Del Rey has released the video for her new ‘Gatsby’ tune “Young and Beautiful,” and watching it teaches us that Miss Nancy-Sinatra-on-Vicodin cries not salty tears, but diamonds. As per usual, the singer comes across as perpetually just about to faint, or like she’s living very, very slightly in slow-motion. In honor of the video and also as a tribute to the killer descriptive writing in those last two sentences, here are six of the most hilarious characterizations of the Internet’s favorite pin-down girl, from bloggers and journalists across the nation:
6. …”miscast, like a too-young housewife – a child bride trying to look grown.” (Spin)
5. …’tastefully blippy and languid, ready for airplay in a low-lit bar that has a menu just for its “martini” selection.” (Village Voice)
4. …” a persona that could have been concocted in one of David Lynch’s wet dreams.” (Slant)
3. …”sent down from the buzz heavens.” (Hipster Runoff)
2. …”often at a loss when mobile.” (The New Yorker)
1. … “a newborn-foal-on-ice-falling-into-a-volcano” (Spin)