That Melissa Joan Hart Kickstarter you didn’t know existed is a miserable failure

Melissa Joan Hart, the ’90s teen star who currently dwells in the basement of fame known as the ABC Family network, has effectively canceled her Kickstarter campaign after falling a whopping $1,948,395 short of her goal. Which begs the question: Melissa Joan Hart had a Kickstarter campaign? And also: who is Melissa Joan Hart?

Titled “Darci’s Walk of Shame,” the rom-com project’s official fundraising page describes the plot this way: “An impulsive act has Darci face enormous hurdles to get back to her sister”s wedding and avoid her family witness her first walk of shame.” Which sounds…well, pretty fucking confusing actually.

“For those of you out there that still love and adore ‘Sabrina,’ ‘Clarissa’ and my new show ‘Melissa & Joey,’ I promise that this comedy will deliver the laughs and silliness that you have come to know and expect from me and my taste in projects,” said Melissa in a personal statement, appealing to the seventeen people who actually believe that’s a good thing. “I am asking you to do what Hollywood won’t, and that is to take a chance on me as the lead of a romantic comedy film. The more money we raise, the more likely this film will reach numerous movie theaters and impress those same Hollywood execs that have caused a stumbling block in my path to a more serious film career.”

So tell me something: if walking emo soundtrack and favorite cultural punching bag Zach Braff can raise $2 million in three days and Melissa Joan Hart can barely raise $50,000 in a month-and-a-half, what does that make Melissa Joan Hart? I’m not sure, but probably something with tears.

And now for Jimmy Kimmel’s legendary MJH takedown:

Twitter: @HitFixChris