‘Real Housewives of Atlanta’ recap: Does Kandi need to pick a side?

Boy, life is never boring in Atlanta, is it? Porsha’s suffering from the pretty faints, Cynthia and her ex Leon are debating whether or not to lie to their daughter Noelle about sex or just stick her in a cage until she turns 30, and Kandi’s mother is throwing punches in a wedding parlor. That’s not even getting to Kenya sobbing in a restaurant. 

Anyway, let’s review. Though I’m sure she would have had fun at the gang’s private dance lesson at the Kandi Factory, Porsha was too busy fainting and not drinking liquid to make it. Though Porsha’s mom has been busily stuffing her daughter full of pancakes, it seems she’s forgotten to give her glasses of water with which to choke them down, silly lady. Even though Porsha assures her sister that she has some kind of condition, it seems to me her condition is just eating crap and not drinking anything while flopping around the house like a pretty dishrag. I hope that NeNe’s suggested group “bonding” trip to Savannah will encourage Porsha to drink, though I’m guessing with these gals the only beverage on board the party bus will be vodka.

It was nice to see that Cynthia’s ex, Leon Robinson, is not only shockingly slim at age 51, but seems to give a crap about his daughter, Noelle. He not only wants to meet Arthur, but he wants to talk to Noelle about boys. He also wants to make sure that Cynthia tells Noelle that her first sexual experience was horrific, like maybe a scene out of “The Walking Dead” or maybe “The Human Centipede” so that Noelle makes an association with sex as a living hell she won’t easily erase. I’m starting to thing the cage option might be the easiest one, but I guess that’s illegal and stuff. Poor Noelle.

Last week it seemed as is Phaedra and Apollo were headed to divorce court or maybe a tidy murder-suicide, but this week, all is well. Apollo pulls Phaedra aside to apologize to her, which really means telling her she misinterpreted his words and she needs to accept his damn apology. Phaedra initially resists this shoddy logic, then, realizing Apollo might be weighing a life with her against another lengthy prison stint and finding her lacking, buckles. Of course she accepts his apology! Snuggles! We also learn that Apollo liked to bend Phaedra over a counter and have sex with her thusly, which is a disclosure I’m sure Phaedra is just thrilled to have shared with America.

And speaking of sharing with America, a seemingly innocuous meeting between NeNe and old friends gives her an opportunity to work in high school gossip (literally high school gossip) about Kandi and Phaedra. In high school, Phaedra was apparently called a “head doctor.” This would not be a suggestion that Phaedra was destined to become a therapist or a neurosurgeon, mind you. NeNe also helpfully explains exactly what a head doctor might be in this context. NeNe had to go all the way back to high school to find something nasty to fling at Phaedra, which makes me think NeNe needs to start working on another bad sitcom sooner rather than later, because this is pretty pathetic. 

Less pathetic but sad in its own way is Kenya’s confession to her aunt that her fertility is sliding down a slippery slope but she’s not about to pressure her “African prince” into proposing. Lori suggests that, even better, Kenya may want to stop chasing men who are unavailable to her. Within moments, Kenya is crying about the mother who abandoned her and how she wants to be a better mom herself. This would all be very touching if I didn’t think Kenya would ends up on “Toddlers & Tiaras” in a red hot minute if she actually had a kid.

Finally, we see the continuing crazy dust-up between Kandi and Momma Joyce. Last week, it seemed Momma Joyce was bitter and enraged, but capable of holding it in. This week, she comes thisclose to smacking the hell out of Camron, who did nothing more offensive than go to Kandi’s wedding gown shopping day. Worse, Momma Joyce’s sisters are more than happy to echo their sister’s crazy assessment of Kandi’s wedding, telling her she shouldn’t get married when she really wants them to tell her whether they like the dress with the mermaid skirt or the A-line skirt. 

Logically, we know Kandi should tell her mother and equally insane sisters to go to hell, but no, Kandi would never dream of it. In fact, she feels sorry for people like Camron and Todd who just don’t know how to deal with Momma Joyce, as if this is actually a skill set someone would choose. I’m beginning to think that Kandi and Todd won’t be getting married after all, and not because Momma Joyce doesn’t want it to happen — but Todd is going to start thinking that having to put up with this violent lunatic isn’t worth it. But I’ll put in my vote for an A-line skirt at least.

How do you think the trip to Savannah will go? Do you think Momma Joyce is being unfair? Do you think Kenya should have a baby on her own?