The first part of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” season reunion is never all that fiery. The ladies have just arrived, they're still thinking about how pretty they look in their big girl clothes, and no one's been drinking (actually, can't rule that one out entirely). But the cracks start showing in the women's composure once Andy starts poking them with a stick, and soon we get a good idea of who will be going for the throat, who will sit meekly on the sidelines, and who will emerge the queen bee.
It's pretty clear that Lisa hasn't regained her status since filming ended, and while Brandi and Yolanda are able to present their arguments against her a little more coherently now, they still don't make much sense. Yolanda whines yet again about how Lisa only visited her once in the 18 months she was sick — but this time Lisa brings up the fact that she visited her twice and made multiple phone calls. Yolanda blinks, then starts yammering about how she lost most of her brain function to Lyme disease and doesn't remember stuff and hey, I made snacks for that party you flaked on, Lisa! Snacks!
Brandi trots out her “Lisa is fake, Lisa is phony” tirade and slaps it down, even though Lisa has a comeback for her, too. Kyle did the exact same things Brandi holds against her, so, what's that about? Brandi argues that Kyle is the same person when the cameras are off, while Lisa isn't. She drinks and drinks and drinks when the cameras aren't rolling! Okay, maybe not, but she's different. And yeah, she was a good friend and stuff, but, oh, I don't know! I'm Brandi, and I'm angry and confused! Get me a tequila shot!
Still, a little time is spent on the demise of the “Dream Team,” and it's pretty clear Yolanda is happy to step in as the leader of the new world order. She may not have a fully functional brain, but that just makes her a better candidate for the job on this show.
While Kim finally gets some airtime, Andy's “good for you!” gift for being sober this season, after we determine that all the other Housewives believe her pit bull is going to kill and eat her like a big Pupperoni we're pretty much done. She made a last bid for attention by telling Andy the show has kept her sober (so don't fire me, okay?) and joking that she's dating Jimmy McNichol, but then she's shoved into the background like the weird aunt no one likes to get stuck next to at Thanksgiving.
Leave it to Brandi to finally start the fighting, as minimal as it is. When Lisa just sighs heavily and actually apologizes to pretty much anyone who demands it to make all the stupid go away, Brandi turns on a reliably hotheaded Housewife — Joyce. What she lacks in wit she makes up for in volume, and even if she thinks her husband is “gorgeous” (time to get your eyes checked, Joyce), she's usual pretty rational. I wonder if she realizes rational thought is about as valued on this show as Birkenstocks.
Brandi and Joyce are eventually yelling at one another so loudly most of the argument is unintelligible, but I think the win may have to go to Brandi. “Sochi's calling!” is mean as hell, but sorry, it was funny!
Later, Joyce and Carlton get into a bizarre conversation about their husbands' “pee-pees,” which only serves to remind you that these women may look like adults but they're really five-years-old intellectually.