Recap: ‘The Real Housewives of Atlanta’ – ‘Shower the Baby, Muzzle the Boy’

Tonight’s episode promises to be thoroughly ridiculous, because the promos have made it clear that the big catfight of the evening will be taking place between, yes, the boys. Phaedra’s husband Apollo and Cynthia’s husband Peter are going to get into it in the girliest, most inappropriate setting they could find — Kim’s baby shower — and I’m pretty sure that it’s going to be lots of growling and posturing followed by low snarling and, ultimately, slinking off into respective corners with nothing having been resolved or accomplished. Unless they throw punches, in which case it will be a very interesting/incredibly stupid episode indeed. I mean, you’ve got to think twice about throwing a punch when there’s a damn camera crew documenting it, right? 

In any case, Bravo is saving the best of last, so we start things off with a tedious look at conspicuous consumption. Sheree visits the site where her new home is being built. Even though it looks like she’s standing in the middle of the woods, Sheree says it’s one of the most desirable neighborhoods in Atlanta. If Atlanta is also home to Little Red Riding Hood and gnomes, sure. She tells her contractor Andrew all the many, many things she wants for her fabulous new house. She wants a grand entrance for Chateau Sheree. And a library. She doesn’t love to read, but she loves libraries. I am now going to bang my head against a wall for a few minutes. Oh, wait, she also has to have a gym. And an area for massages. And a theater. If you haven’t guessed, Sheree has expensive tastes. Andrew tells her it’s going to take about eight months to build this monstrosity, which makes Sheree wrinkle her nose like a ferret that’s just smelled something bad. Andrew promises he’s going to try to do it faster than that. So, I’m thinking that in contractor language, he really means about a year and a half. Better get used to that penthouse condo, Sheree!

Elsewhere, Phaedra is making biscuits and something that looks disgusting for breakfast. She’s completely in love with her 11-month-old Ayden, but Apollo does not seem as enamored. Apollo tries to boss little Ayden around. The kid has to follow rules! For the record, Apollo is an idiot. He doesn’t think Phaedra should baby Ayden so much. He’s a BABY, Apollo. That’s what YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO. I have not been overly impressed with Apollo, I have to admit. Phaedra may dig dead people, but she’s a lawyer — she could do better. 

And, to underscore that point, we learn that Apollo is cranky with Phaedra because he had a run-in with the cops. It’s all a little weird and vague, but it seems that Apollo was pulled over, dragged out of his car and had a gun slapped against his head because of mistaken identity. But that isn’t why Apolly’s cranky. He thinks Phaedra said too much to someone and that later got blabbed into the blogosphere and he doesn’t feel she has his back. Or something. I don’t know how all of this became Phaedra’s problem, but there you have it. 

The theme of this episode appears to be cooking, as next we see Cynthia and Peter making chicken. Leon, Cynthia’s hot ex-boyfriend, comes over to see their daughter Noelle. Peter wants to go back into the bar business. Cynthia obviously isn’t in love with this idea, but she wants to be supportive. I think Cynthia wants to be broke as well, since Peter’s last venture bled money (I’m guessing hers), but oh well. 

Kim and Sheree meet for lunch to discuss nothing in particular. Kim has invited 130 people to her baby shower, and she’s moving into a 17,000 square foot house. It’s so stressful! But Sheree is stressed out waiting for her chateau to be built! With its library full of books she’ll never read! And sometimes she has to take the dog out at the condo and that involves taking the elevator all the way down from the penthouse! These are really first world problems! Maybe someone can start an Occupy the Housewives movement and set up tents in their yards.

NeNe checks her son’s luggage before he gets ready to visit her estranged husband Gregg. The poor kid wishes his parents were still sleeping in the same bedroom, and she tries to assure him that she and Gregg are just taking a break. She doesn’t want to use the D-word which is, if you’re unclear, divorce. In fact, NeNe isn’t really sure she wants to go through with it anyway. Funny, she’s talked non-stop about getting divorced in the last few episodes, but I guess a gal has a right to change her mind. 

Phaedra and Kandi shop for Kim’s baby gifts, which gives them an opportunity to gossip. Phaedra is none too fond of Peter, Cynthia’s husband. And why is that? Because Peter did an interview for a local magazine in which he insulted most of the housewives other than Cynthia. Peter basically said he hates Phaedra and that’s just fine, as she thinks he looks like Papa Smurf. Why Peter would do something so incredibly stupid I have no idea, but again, not so impressed with Peter. 

Time for Kim’s baby shower! While Kim gets her make-up done, Kroy paints her daughter Adrianna’s nails. I hope his teammates aren’t watching the show.

One by one, most of the housewives trickle into the big, ridiculous party, which looks like an over-the-top wedding. Who has a baby shower like this? There’s even a wedding cake, for crying out loud. Kim is happy to see Kandi, or at least pretends to be, because she’s a little hurt that Kandi hasn’t been around throughout her pregnancy. Hey, Kandi’s a busy girl — get over it, Kim! But, as we know, it’s all about Kim, which is in full effect at the party, where there are lots of enormous, tacky pictures of Kim and Kroy in states of undress all over the place. Wow, those God awful pregnancy boudoir pictures? Not really for public consumption, you guys.

Kim’s dad Joe hits up Phaedra for work. Wow. I see where Kim gets her tact. 

Kandi, Sheree and Phaedra talk about Peter’s crappy article. They can speak freely, because Cynthia and Peter are so late no one thinks they’re showing up. But lo and behold, they do show up — five hours into the festivities and, as Kim notices, without a present. After five hours, just send an e-mail with your regrets. What were they thinking, a baby shower would be rocking all night long?

Kim steps outside to get some air (good timing!) and Peter and Cynthia sit down at a table with the girls. It only takes a few minutes before the subject of Peter’s horrible article comes up. Fight, fight, fight! Peter could take this opportunity to apologize or make excuses or even claim he was misquoted. But no, he stands by his insulting article. Sheree assures him that she wasn’t insulted by his comment about her looks, as she knows she’s cute. And Peter, lovely Papa Smurf, mumbles something along the lines of “whatever you want to believe, nutjob.” Cynthia’s a supermodel and this dolt was the best she thought she could do? Seriously? 

Of course, Peter isn’t going any easier on Phaedra — but the difference is that Phaedra is at the table with her husband, who isn’t going to take Papa Smurf’s crap attitude lying down. Peter, who does not seem to understand that he’s older than antique furniture, decides to get into it with Apollo. Bad idea. Peter asks Apollo if he has a problem. Apollo tells him to get himself together. Peter makes a crack about Apollo getting pulled over by the cops. And, just like that, it’s ON. There’s raised voices, there’s standing up, and there’s a good chance Papa Smurf is going to lose what’s left of his teeth. 

Apollo tells Peter he’s too old to bring it. Papa Smurf tells him to bring it, anyway. Phaedra notes that Apollo could beat the snot out of Peter, since he’s no longer on parole. I think he should, as Peter is being an absolute jerk. 

Sheree thinks Peter is like NeNe — all bark and no bite. Cynthia is mortified. As she SHOULD be. Kim comes back into the room and is pissed that this ridiculousness is taking place at her BABY SHOWER. As she notes, this is so ghetto. I mean, who fights at a baby shower? Phaedra’s just proud of Apollo for not beating Peter to a pulp, which I attribute largely to the presence of police officers who show up before blows are exchanged. Still, I wish Apollo had gotten in one good swing, just for the hell of it. I guess there’s always some other event, maybe a wedding or a funeral or a bris, at which these two can knock over some tables and let the fur fly.

Do you think Peter should have apologized for the article? Do you think Kim’s party was over the top? Do you think NeNe and Gregg will get back together?