In an attempt to get an honest review of Avengers: Age of Ultron, Esquire sent a 9-year-old child out to see it and report back. Why? Because the magazine assumed that kids were the movie’s target demographic, and they’d be the best source of feedback about the film.
The review, my friends, is hilarious:
If you like movies about robots who make jokes, or movies about girls singing lullabyes to the Hulk, or movies about cities that float into the air for no reason, Age of Ultron will be right up your alley. It was not up my alley.
The first Avengers was really good. I don’t know what happened with this one. It felt like it was really short but I was happy to get out of the theater. The very first scene is the best scene. A bunch of people in the forest killing each other. Do you know what surprised me the most? Every line had a swear word in it. The first word that they said in the whole movie was the S-H word.
And then this:
My point of view is that Thor ruins the Avengers. It doesn’t make sense. If you had Thor, why would you bring Black Widow? Why would you bring Green Arrow [ed. note: he means Hawkeye]? What’s this woman with a gun going to do? Why’s this guy shooting arrows? They have a god with them who cannot die. A guy who is good at shooting arrows or a girl who is good at shooting guns wouldn’t make a particle of difference.
Age of Ultron was not my favorite. I would not recommend it. The last time I checked on Rotten Tomatoes it had a score of 72. I would give it a 46. Maybe lower. Maybe a 39.
Kid’s got a point! The commenters on Esquire, however, couldn’t let a small child’s non-enjoyment of the film stand. In fact, several had to make sure to point out exactly why this unnamed 9-year-old was dead wrong.
Here’s what a top commenter and certified kid-corrector thought of the review:
The premise for this whole article is false–the movie was actually made for me: a middle-aged guy that grew up on comics books, and has enough disposable income to totally geek out and buy the movie, the toys, etc in an effort to re-capture the youth that is quickly disappearing in the rearview mirror. It was made for the geeks that read every blog post about the who’s and why’s, looked at all the production stills and followed the negotiations between Marvel and Fox to allow Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch to appear in both films. It was made of the geeks that watch a less-than-stellar show like Marvel Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. simply because it is part of the MCU. It is made for the geeks that actually know what the MCU stands for. It is made for the geeks that are scared they will have their first heart attack before we finally get to see Thanos on screen for any longer than a fleeting cameo (2019 or 2020).
Stand aside 9 year olds, this isn’t your movie. It is mine. And I loved it.
The premise for the article was that a 9-year-old saw The Avengers: Age of Ultron and gave his opinion. Still, this guy wasn’t the only one upset.
Here’s someone who was sure the kid was a DC fanboy:
Here’s your problem – you got a DC Comics 9-year old fan and not a Marvel comics 9 year old fan. Take the kid to see any Batman movie and watch him geek out at insane levels.
And someone who explained why the child was wrong about everything:
This is all wrong. The kid even doesn’t know the difference between green arrow and hawkeye. And of course he doesn’t understand why they went to South Africa or what Scarlet Witch does. Because he is just 9 years old! And he says they couldn’t pick up Thor’s hammer because it’s too heavy? The kid misses the whole point in every scene. He cannot follow the storyline. So he just enjoyed the fight scenes as expected. And he asks why Hawkeye and Black Widow are avengers. Well, if he doesn’t understand it in the first movie, why did he like it or why did he watch the second movie? It would be ridiculous to expect a rational review from a 9 year-old kid. So I really don’t understand why they made this article.
But at least one adult was into it, which should give us some hope for the future:
Well i did liked the movie, but i respect your opinion, by the way very good critic, there is not very much nine-year old boys that are bold enough to post an opinion contrary to most of the marvel fans.