Well it’s that time of year again, folks. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something has me even less excited about this year’s Oscars than usual. Maybe it’s the unconscionable Jake Gyllenhaal snub? Maybe it’s Neil Patrick Harris hosting? Not that NPH isn’t delightful, it’s just that he’s sort of simultaneously too nice and charming to make fun of, and too nice to picture him going after someone else (Fey and Poehler’s Cosby bit was the highlight of the Golden Globes). Too likable for controversy, and yet not quite Billy Crystal Boring.
In any case, if there’s one constant, it’s that you’ll want to be drunk for this. The festivities begin at 5:30/8:30 on one of those grandma channels from olden times. ABC, I believe.
For our purposes, one drink will be counted as a rough measurement of one swallow for beer/wine/cocktails, or one sip if you’re drinking liquor. Punishment for violating any of the rules will be a severe crotch whipping.
Any time the music cues up during an acceptance speech, drink. Don’t stop until the last member of the party starts to leave the stage.
“…The brave men and women of…” Finish your drink.
Thanking God – finish your drink.
Any historical highlight reel (ie, of MLK, Alan Turing, Stephen Hawking…) that makes it seem as if Hollywood solved racism/codebreaking/homophobia/physics by making a movie about it is a waterfall. Start with the host, go counter-clockwise, don’t stop drinking until the person before you stops.
One drink whenever someone butchers a name, a la “Adele Dazeem.” We’ll call this “The Iñárritu Rule.”
Waterfall during any of Neil Patrick Harris’s musical numbers.
1 drink for:
–Fake Baby references
-Joke about anything taking 12 years to film/happen.
-References to the Sony leak
–Whiplash jokes – rushing/lagging, “not my tempo,” etc.
Once initiated by a crowd shot of Eddie Redmayne, The Eddie Redmayne Rule is in effect. This rule states that at any time, any person can tilt his or her head sideways and smile like an idiot like Redmayne does throughout Theory of Everything, and everyone else has to follow suit. Last person to do so has to finish their drink. (It’s sort of like the thumb rule). This should leave you feeling inspired.
Once initiated by a crowd shot of JK Simmons, The Whiplash Rule is in effect. While this rule is in effect, whenever directly addressing someone else at the party, you must begin with an insult. “Jon, you noodle-dicked queef breather, could you grab me another beer, pretty please?” and so forth.
A crowd shot of Julianne Moore triggers The Still Alice Corollary, which makes everyone forget about The Eddie Redmayne and Whiplash Rules.
Enjoy, everyone, and don’t forget to drink responsibly or whatever.