I would make an atrocious scientist. I dislike magnets, and I don’t understand beakers. Measuring a liquid? Sure, science. Whatever you say. My dearth of scientific savvy may limit what I can offer the world in more erudite pursuits, but those of us who don’t know our E from MC2 can still take it upon ourselves to embark on a few pop culture experiments.
I have decided to listen to Spin Doctors’ single “Two Princes” 100-straight times, and document the results. That’s more than seven straight hours of dizzying Spin Doctors mayhem. Will I go insane? Will I have an epiphany? Will I inadvertently become the Louis Pasteur of ’90s pop?
If you’d like to follow along with my musical odyssey – and I emphatically suggest that you don’t – you can listen to “Two Princes” 100-straight times below.
Ready, set, Spin Doctor!
1:15: My first impression? “Two Princes” absolutely still holds up. “There’s no volume too loud when it comes to the majesty of ‘Two Princes,'” is a tweet I would have published on 1993 Twitter.
4:15: If you find yourself asking “Who exactly are Spin Doctors?” well, friend, you’re a certified monster.
4:16: I’m just kidding. Simmer down, monster. Spin Doctors are a semi-popular ’90s band who reached a certain level of commercial acclaim, thanks to their catchy singles “Two Princes” and “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong.”
20:11: Even if you’ve never actually heard “Two Princes,” you’ve heard “Two Princes.” The single is emblematic of the post-grunge/pre-boyband hamlet of ’90s music occupied by “Songs you’d hear while at the dentist” all-stars like Matchbox 20, Sister Hazel, and The Wallflowers.
43:00: So, where exactly do Spin Doctors rank in the hierarchy of ’90s rock? Their legacy doesn’t allow them to breath the same princely, exalted air as Goo Goo Dolls, Third Eye Blind, or the Counting Crows, but they also don’t belong with musical one-hit paupers like Joan Osborne, Chumbawamba, or Dog’s Eye View, either.
44:00: “Two Princes” is a quintessential example of the phenomenon known as “Oh, that song.”
Say you’re at a karaoke bar and some drunken nincompoop just butchered the hell out of Natalie Imbruglia’s ethereal classic “Torn,” and “Two Princes” is up next. Invariably, the guy behind you will be like, “Who are the Two Princes?” Don’t bother correcting him. It’s Friday. When the pratta-pratta-pratta drum solo begins, the dummy behind you will be like, “Oh, that song. I know that song.”
The man behind you is former Hey, Dude star David Lascher.
59:00: “Yeeeeah, one, two, princes kneel before you.”
1:01:00: Fun Spin Doctors fact No. 1: The band appeared on the cover of the Jan. 7, 1993 issue of Rolling Stone. Other musicians to appear on the cover of Rolling Stone include The Beatles and Avril Lavigne.
1:54:00: “But I know what a prince and lover ought to be. I know what a prince and lover ought to beeeeeeeee.”
1:55:00: I’ve gallantly cleared the 25 percent hurdle! Honestly? I’m still genuinely enjoying this song. Am I the Benjamin Button of Spin Doctors? I haven’t seen the film, so I’m legitimately asking.
2:01:00: Fun Spin Doctors fact No. 2: Per Wikipedia:
“They also often performed double-bill gigs opening for their friends Blues Traveler, with members of both bands all jamming together as the transition from the Spin Doctors set into the Blues Traveler set.”
Spin Doctors lead vocalist Chris Barron not only attended high school with Blues Traveler’s John “Harmonica” Popper, but Popper co-founded the original iteration of the band, The Trucking Company, before the hoooook brought him baaaaaack to perform with Blues Traveler on a full-time basis.
2:15:00: Some people literally SOLVE CRIME for a living, but this is what I’m doing today.
2:30:00: Honestly, what the f*ck was going on with the Blossom intro? In my opinionation, it’s just plain weird.
2:45:00: Fun Spin Doctors fact No. 3: “Two Princes” was the band’s only top-10 hit, peaking at No. 7 on the Billboard Hot 100. “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong,” no ’90s slouch in its own right, maxed out at 17th. Could the limited success of “Little Miss” be due to the song’s opening lyric?
2:46:00: “Been a whole lot easier since the b*tch left town.” A little aggressive, right? Dial it back, Spin. You too, Doctor. Did your band earn its PhD in misogyny?
Personally, I’d change the lyric to “Been a whole lot easier since the person I don’t see eye-to-eye with, but still respect decided on her own accord to peacefully exit this town.”
2:47:00: There are ways to write about someone “leaving town” while displaying a modicum of respect. Just ask Dexter Freebish, who, by the way, is apparently not interested in engaging in a Twitter friendship with yours truly.
3:03:00: I don’t know why this song unlocked another tune I haven’t thought about in years, but remember this mid-2000s gem?
Can’t say I’m a tremendous fan of the blatant disrespect for libraries exhibited in Cascada’s video, though.
Are two princes equivalent to one king?
3:45:00: Wait, am I the first person in the HISTORY OF THE WORLD to listen to “Two Princes” 100 times in a row? Tombstone, consider yourself written!
3:58:00: FYI, “Why have you been listening to Spin Doctors for the last few hours?” is a fun conversation starter if you’re looking to have an awkward convo with your roommate.
3:59:00: Oh, you don’t have a roommate? Bravo. I didn’t know the King of the Internet was READING MY ARTICLE. We’re all very impressed, PRINCE OF MONEY.
What do you think the Prince of Money’s yearly salary is after taxes?
4:44:00: There’s a brief one-to-two-second pause between the end of “Two Princes” and beginning of, you guessed it, “Two Princes” on my oh so reclusive “Two Princes” playlist. Hidden deep beneath the depths of that tranquil respite lies the true meaning of… *drum/drum/drum/drum/drum/drum* “One, two, princes kneel before you.”
4:59:00: Not a lot of action here in hour four because I went to the grocery store. Dynamite sale on Kashi cereal, by the way. $2.99!
“You marry him, your father will condone you
How ’bout that now?
You marry me
Your father will disown you
He’ll eat his hat now.”
He’ll eat his hat now. Related, Spin Doctors were nominated for two Grammy Awards.
5:17:00: “Coming up after the break on NY1, an Astoria man is evicted after refusing to stop playing Spin Doctors, and are you paying too much for stamps? Our Sandy Solomon thinks so, and he’ll tell you why. All that and the five-day forecast when we return.”
5:35:00: These lyrics are beginning to seep into my cranium like… I don’t know. Gak? Remember Gak? Am I Gak now? Why do I keep using the word Gak?
5:55:00: And if you. And if you. And if you. And if you. And if you. And if you. And if you. And if you. And if you.
6:00:00: Am I sick of “Two Princes?” You bet! I feel like I’m stuck inside the movie Bio-Dome, and not in the good way. But, surprisingly, I still don’t hate the song.
Medically speaking, are Spin Doctors legally authorized to prescribe their own music to their patients?
6:2o:00: And if you want to drop an anvil on my head. Just go ahead now.
6:23:00: I no longer hear any real words. All I can process is a cacophonous array of discord.
6:45:00: The power of nostalgia compels you. The power of nostalgia compels you.
7:05:00: When I finally escape this self-induced hellmouth of melodious anguish, things are going to be different. I’m going to call my mom more. Maybe read a book. Stop ignoring trees. Really get it together, ya know?
7:20:00: I did it. I accomplished my goal of listening to “Two Princes” 100-straight times. I feel like an athlete who just captured a gold medal in a pointless version of the Olympics. So, how do I feel about “Two Princes?” Honestly, I love it. It’s a rare feeling, really. To be completely cognizant of the fact that you’ve been brainwashed.
I learned a lot about myself today. I discovered I have a healthy amount of resolve, as long as the task at hand involves doing very little for an extended period of time. I also gave myself Spin Doctor Stockholm syndrome, but I don’t care. If you want to say I wasted my time, just go ahead now. And if you want to say I’m a hero, just go ahead now. And if you. And if you. And if you. And if you.