Holey Moley wrapped up its fourth season on Tuesday, which is a wild thing to see all typed out like that. Four seasons. Wrap your head around that for a few minutes, if you can. The show is a solid hour of miniature golf contestants getting walloped by ridiculous obstacles that sometimes have childish names. One is called Hole Number Two and it features a row of portable toilets that the contestants have to sprint past before a group of people in ridiculous costumes fling the doors open and send them flying into a pool of brown water. Some holes have zip lines and look legitimately dangerous. Whenever someone wipes out extremely hard, the hosts — Joe Tessitore and Rob Riggle — will break out the telestrator and make fun of them while it replays in slow-motion. Holey Moley is America’s finest television program.
I say all of this now, again, because I worry some of you have not been watching. I don’t know why anyone would do this. Why would you deny yourself that much simple joy? Especially when you consider that this season featured, I swear this is true, appearances by The Muppets, and, I swear this is also true, at one point, for reasons that I would explain if the whole thing were not much funnier without context, Pepe the Prawn kidnapped 2022 NBA champion Steph Curry. I feel like you might not believe me on this last thing. Evidence will help. Here, look.
Which, again, perfect. No notes. And yet, somehow, against odds so long you could wrap them around the planet like a lasso and swing the whole thing over your head, things got even wilder in the finale. Let me set the scene, quickly:
- The winners of the first nine episodes all competed in one last go-round, with three facing off in groups of three, then one of the final three getting eliminated, then the last two facing off in a showdown
- Kermit the Frog was in the booth and Miss Piggy was scheduled to perform a big number at the end
- The finalists included a number of young and athletic contestants, one of whom was a professional golfer and one of whom owns a miniature golf course, as well as a 63-year-old lady named Kathy who I was very concerned about on every obstacle
There was also a guy who Riggle and Tessitore called “Slip Rick” due to his tendency to wipe out spectacularly on the obstacles. He did not disappoint.
Anyway, moving to the contest. Kathy went up against a 22-year-old professional golfer and an 18-year-old college student on her first hole. Remember how I said I worried about her on the obstacles? There’s a good reason for that. Their hole featured a moving red carpet and a leap onto floating little orbs. Kathy… did not do well.
But then something incredible happened. After the other two girls leaped more successfully and earned better position for their putts on the actual hole, Kathy stepped up from way, way downtown and did… well, this.
HOLE IN ONE
KATHY GOT A HOLE IN ONE
IN THE HOLEY MOLEY FINALS
I need you to understand that I was actually shouting in my living room when this happened. Against all odds and sound judgment and probably the advice of a number of medical professionals, Kathy moved on to the second round.
And, again, I worried. The second hole was called Parcade and featured a pinball-themed putt and obstacle. People have been wiping out on it hard all season. The guy right before Kathy hit his putt and stepped up to the flippers and ate it kind of literally.
So, yes, worried, about both Kathy and that guy’s face. But then lightning struck. A bolt of magic from the sky. A borderline miracle. Kathy stepped up to putt and…
SHE DID IT AGAIN
A SECOND HOLE IN ONE
SHE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO CLEAR THE FLIPPERS
KATHY MOVES INTO THE FINALS
I do not think I can possibly explain to any of you how excited I was at this point. I was, like, vibrating. Kathy had eliminated a total of three people by herself, people whose combined age probably was right around her own, one of whom was — I repeat — an actual professional golfer, by sinking two impossible putts on holes that no one had aced before this season. I literally pumped my fist when this ball dropped into the hole. I have watched sports for my entire life and this was becoming one of the greatest clutch performances I’ve ever seen. It’s up there with the Jordan Flu Game. I am barely joking.
This brings us to the final hole. I will return to the bullet points for the sake of efficiency:
- Both contestants competed on The Distractor, a hole where various costume and/or noise-based chaos attempts to pull their attention away from their putt
- The contest would go until one of them sank the bending and bouncing putt with all of this happening
- This is where Miss Piggy was supposed to perform
The phrase “supposed to” is important here. Because, as all of this was going on, we cut to a shot of Miss Piggy in her trailer and…
Yup, Miss Piggy was locked inside. On the miniature golf show. The one with a hole called “Uranus” that they use to make a bunch of jokes that you probably should not make on network television at 8pm on a weeknight. Again, Holey Moley is America’s finest television program. The Muppets are pretty good, too.
But I digress. Piggy was replaced by the show’s third host, Jeannie Mai, who sang a meta song about renewing the show for another season while flinging a feather boa around as about a dozen maniacs dressed like bugs and monsters danced around her. And, with all this going on, after two misses by each contestant, my girl Kathy stepped up to the tee box for a third attempt.
I think you can see where this is headed.
SHE DID IT
FREAKIN KATHY WON HOLEY MOLEY
THIS WAS HONESTLY ONE OF THE MOST INCREDIBLE THINGS I HAVE EVER SEEN ON TELEVISION
SHE GOT $250K FOR THIS
THERE WAS A MID-CREDITS SCENE AFTER THIS WHERE MISS PIGGY STOLE ROB RIGGLE’S EXPENSIVE SPORTS CAR
THAT HAPPENED, TOO
WHY IS THIS SHOW NOT THE ONLY THING WE ARE TALKING ABOUT?
I AM SO PROUD OF KATHY
I AM SO PROUD OF HOLEY MOLEY
I AM SO PROUD OF ALL OF US
BUT ESPECIALLY KATHY