10 NBA Nickname Jerseys That You Probably Won’t See On The Court This Season

As we learned yesterday, the NBA’s marketing department has figured out another way to get men between the ages of 18 and 35 to shell out $100 or more for their favorite players’ jerseys by introducing some new nickname jerseys this season. The only one that we know of at this point is Ray Allen’s Jesus Shuttlesworth jersey, which is going to net the league and the Miami Heat approximately $12 trillion, because even people who hate the Heat are going to buy that thing like crazy.

As for the others, I’d guess we can expect to see some sort of “Mamba” jersey for Kobe Bryant and “The King” for LeBron James, and I’m sure that Dwight Howard will want “Superman” on his back so Shaquille O’Neal’s script will be written for at least one game. But what about some of the league’s other players and stars? Well, I called my inside source in the NBA and found out about some of the jerseys that have already been canned for this season’s nicknames campaign.

These are totally real and not something I made up using the custom jersey generators on NBA.com.

It’s funny because Beano stops farts and when Udrih plays against the Magic, I yell, “Fart Boy!” because I’m 5-years old.

Because he’s totally not going to get frustrated with the Knicks’ BS and demand a trade or walk.

I thought that maybe instead of his generic nickname, Howard would want to show a little love to however many sons the random women claim he has.

The Magic are still on the hook for $38 million as of last month, and that should be pointed out every season.

We can make fun of him now, because he gets to rest all season until he averages 15 rebounds a game off the bench in the playoffs before winning a ring and causing Karl Malone and Charles Barkley to commit Seppuku.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the Nuggets make this actually happen.

Why should we address the elephant in the room* when we can just ignore it and let the guy go back to making millions for playing basketball?

*That was not a Khloe Kardashian joke.

As of today, the Lakers have taken Pau Gasol off the trading block. As of tomorrow, he’ll be the centerpiece of a three-team deal that will land the Lakers Carmelo Anthony.

It’s not as much to make fun of Hansbrough for that whole Will Bynum kerfuffle as much as it’s a suggestion.

Aw, that’s just mean.