After 30 some years on this planet, I know three things for certain that America loves: celebrities, Taco Bell, and celebrities doin’ it. And not necessarily in that order. The celebrity sex tape used to be a thing of shame, forever ruining a star’s name and tarnishing their image for years. It was a long haul after Rob Lowe’s 1988 sex tape scandal before he was deemed safe enough for NBC audiences.
Obviously, that’s changed and sex tapes now make celebrities or, at the very least, pull a few bucks for washed up stars trying to hold on to their fame.When it comes to “good” and “bad” celebrity sex tapes, the popular ones usually belong to a female celebrity. Simply, because somewhere, a guy is going to deem it worthy enough to watch behind a locked door. The male celebrity sex tape is never going to garner as much appreciation, basically because, well, the penis. There’s a reason nobody refers to it as “the Ray J sex tape.”
With the Cameron Diaz and Jason Segal comedy Sex Tape coming out tomorrow, now seems like a good time to look back at some of the not-so-sexy celebrity sex romps. Because in the timeline of celebrity sex tapes, not all sex tapes are created equal. There are some that nobody ever wanted to see and those that did view them likely wished they never had. These are those sex tapes.
1. Dustin Diamond
After Saved by the Bell: The College Years, The Wedding in Las Vegas, The New Class and the just plain sad Celebrity Boxing, it seemed like America had finally purged Dustin Diamond from its system. Nope. Then came the Dustin Diamond sex tape of 2006, Screeched – Saved by the Smell. Those who were foolish enough to view it were subjected to nearly an hour of Screech making terrible jokes while sitting in a hot tub with two women. (That wasn’t a typo, Screech had TWO women.) One would think the most horrific part would be seeing Dustin Diamond’s member, but it’s actually the act Screech pulls that spawned the video’s ever so clever title. Two words: dirty sanchez.
2. Fred Durst
Even at the height of Limp Bizkit’s popularity, anytime the group was on TV it seemed like the rest of the band hated Fred Durst and were holding back from knocking that cap off his head. A few years later and America had cast Fred Durst back into the douche abyss from which he came. Still, there were plenty of young females — or at least one — who’s reasoning skills had been turned to mush from listening to “Faith” one too many times and were willing to give up their nookie. Durst put out a sex tape hoping that metal-heads would pay attention and start listening to his nu metal again. The plan worked tremendously, hence the reasoning behind renaming the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame the Fred Durst Soul Patch Museum. Oh, wait…
3. Tonya Harding
It’s hard to make a comeback in the ice skating world and secure one of those coveted Disney On Ice spots after you hired a couple of goons to bash the knee of your opponent. When the skating thing isn’t working out though and you’ve got a trailer payment due, the obvious choice is to release a sex tape. The tape was marketed as Tonya Harding’s Wedding Night, but in fact, is just the most depressing/annoying footage ever of a drunk Tonya Harding climbing on top of her husband after a Halloween party. If you’re curious, but to afraid to watch, let me describe it for you: drunken Tonya takes her top off, your eyeballs melt inside your skull. The end.
4. Gene Simmons
That video footage of Gene Simmons fornicating didn’t surface until 2008 is actually pretty amazing. The KISS bassist has reportedly bedded some 10,000 women; did nobody in the KISS army have a camcorder on the Lick It Up tour? I imagine that watching a video of Gene Simmons bedding a woman is both equal parts disturbing and intriguing. The guy making use of that cow tongue of his has to be a spectacle to behold.
5. R. Kelly
R. Kelly’s sex tape isn’t so much a scandalous piece of celebrity erotica, but more a piece of criminal evidence. Compared to the rest of the celebrities on this list, R.Kelly is by far the worst and his alleged actions of urinating on an underage girl are deplorable. When the story broke in 2002, it was prime material for late night TV monologue jokes and sketches like the one below by Dave Chappelle. R. Kelly eventually made a comeback from the scandal, but no matter how many more hits he makes, there will forever be a dark cloud of shame lingering over the Space Jam soundtrack.
6. Hulk Hogan
We’ll save the list of Hulk Hogan’s many shameful moments for an in-depth retrospective over at With Spandex, but Hogan’s 2012 sex tape was just another brick on the pile of embarrassment. A video of Hogan having sex really shouldn’t have been all that shocking. After all, we’ve been watching the guy grunt and roll around while nearly naked for 30 years — so what’s the big deal about a little less clothing? But this is 2012 58 year-old Hogan we’re talking about, not 1990 36 year-old Hogan. The guy’s been ripping off a tank top every night for 30 years and now he’s struggling to get a condom wrapper open. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Chyna was scary enough in the wrestling ring, and the image of her throwing her weight around in the bedroom and saying “You give the sex now” is enough to ruin sex for a person entirely. Chyna’s 2004 sex tape with fellow wrestler X-Pac was released intentionally by Red Light District, because Chyna needed the cash and Red Light District hates its customers.
8. Verne Troyer
The sight of Mini-Me naked has to be shocking — even for Verne Troyer. So of course, the 2008 tape that features Troyer climbing onto a stool to bump himself against his regular-sized woman partner was going to make its way to the internet. It’s enough to make a person lose all sexual desire. I’ve actually got to hand it to Verne Troyer, the guy took that Austin Powers’ fame and road it on his tiny scooter all the way to the Playboy mansion. His sex tape may only be appealing to small niche of celebrity sex tape viewers, but the guy is a pioneer for other dwarf actors in the realm of celebrity sex tapes — a tiny and freaky looking naked pioneer.