Dr. John Zoidberg, “M”D. is quite possibly the funniest character on Futurama. You probably quote him at least ten times a day, and if you don’t, you should. Now then, let’s take a look at 20 immortal quotes from everyone’s favorite medical crab.
1. “Your music’s bad and you should feel bad!”
From “The Devil’s Hands Are Idle Playthings,” giving Fry the cold hard truth when his opera goes south without his magical robot devil hands.
2. “I’m swelling with patriotic mucus!”
From “A Taste Of Freedom,” when he gets a little too into the Freedom Day celebration.
3. “By the way, I took the liberty of fertilizing your caviar.”
From “Where The Buggalo Roam,” when he had no problem making himself at home at the Wong Ranch.
4. “You’ll never guess where I’ve been!”
From “Parasites Lost,” when the Planet Express crew is inside Fry’s body, and he emerges riding a giant… well, you know.
5. “I saw a frilly cake in here you’d remember all your life. I know I will. Every night it haunts me with its frosted beauty. Order the cake, dammit!”
From “Bend Her,” when he’s planning Bender (as Coilette) and Calculon’s wedding, and one cake really catches his eye.
6. “On margin! Zoidey wanna buy on margin!”
From “The Day The Earth Stood Stupid,” when a momentarily stupefied Zoidberg forgets the cause of the 1929 stock market crash.
7. “Two oil changes for the price of one! Now if I could afford the one, and the car.”
From “Insane In The Mainframe,” slowly realizing just how useless his Planet Express anniversary gift is.
8. “Ah, there’s nothing like the first cup of dumpster juice in the morning!”
From “Stench And Stenchibility,” starting his day the right way as always.
9. “Why always the fighting?”
From “Bender Gets Made,” after shot full of whatever the 31st Century equivalent of morphine is makes him perfectly sedate.
10. “Congratulations! I assume Amy is the father.”
From “The Problem Is Popplers,” when a fully-grown poppler calls Leela “mama.” Remember, he’s an expert on humans, not robits.
11. “Earth, what a planet! On Earth, you enjoy eating a tasty clam. On my planet, clams enjoy eating a tasty you!”
From “That’s Lobstertainment,” trying stand-up with a hacky Yakov Smirnoff rip-off. It doesn’t go over well.
12. “I ate garbage yesterday, and it didn’t cost me 300 dollars!”
From “300 Big Boys,” not understanding why rich folks love goose liver and caviar so much. Why even bother fertilizing it!
13. “I’m looking for something beautiful and cheap for a lady who is one of those things!”
From “Stench And Stenchibility,” buying a flower for his special gal. In the end, he’d wind up with the flower girl instead, because she saw past his horrible stench to his beautiful soul.
14. “Help! A guinea pig tricked me!”
From “Anthology Of Interest I,” when, well, a guinea pig tricks him.
15. “What? It’s not even scratch and sniff? But if rich people think it’s good, I’ll buy it. One art, please!”
From “300 Big Boys,” not totally understanding the art world.
16. “You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from internal parasites?”
From “Why Must I Be A Crustacean In Love.” This is his idea of flirting, but hey, she takes it as a compliment. Maybe Zoidberg is onto something.
17. “I wonder what the Shroud Of Turin tastes like.”
From “A Taste Of Freedom.” It’s quite possible that Zoidberg plans on eating every historical document in existence. And I have no problem with that.
18. “My name isn’t slick, it’s Zoidberg. JOHN F***ING ZOIDBERG!
From “The Silence Of The Clamps,” letting Francis know he tangled with the wrong guy.
19. “Hooray, I’m useful!”
From “Mother’s Day,” when his can opening skills come in handy during the robot rebellion.
20. “Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!”
He pretty much says this in every episode. In the above clip, you can watch him say it for four straight hours.