What you’re about to see is strange. It’s not particularly creepy (that award’s been given out), nor is it threatening, but it is urgent, inexplicable, and completely inappropriate for the work environment. Just a word of advice: If you’ve got a house full of Beanie Babies to sell at extravagant prices so your parents don’t find out about them, go on eBay (where that sort of thing is expected) instead of putting your coworkers on the spot.
The email, posted to the Cringe Pics subreddit, and purporting to be from earlier today, leaves you with more questions than you’ll ever get answers for. For instance, why must the mysterious seller get rid of all the Beanie Babies before their parents come over? How much space could 480 Beanie Babies really take up if stuffed into a trash bag and hidden in a closet? And why do you have to buy all 480 of them?
Just check out this email:
If you can’t read all that, here’s a helpful translation via Imgur:
My parents are visiting this weekend, and I need to sell my enormous collection of beanie babies! I’ve approximately 480 little creatures of joy, and I’m selling each one for $20.00. You must buy all 480, though. It is a collection (not an auction)… They are very respectful and amicable with one another, and they are (for the most part) cat and dog friendly. Some are sassier than others, naturally. Please let me know! My parents can’t find out.
Okay, more questions: What does it mean that the Beanie Babies are “mostly” cat and dog friendly? Does the fact that some are sassier than others mean that some of the beanbag toys are more likely to come alive during the night and murder you? And, let’s go back to the price for a second: If you can’t buy the babies separately and they’re $20 each, that means the seller is asking (nay, demanding) that their coworkers fork over nearly $10,000 either as individuals or a pool so their parents don’t find out that the babies exist. This is just like Sophie’s Choice, if Sophie’s Choice was about Beanie Babies and had a completely reworked plot.
No word on whether anyone’s stepped up to claim the bounty of bean-stuffed toys, but I’m pretty sure the seller’s generous offer might not be snapped up as quickly as they’d like. (Of course, they could be joking, but think about the people you work with. Would any of them pull something like this? Exactly.)