Don’t bother paying money for a ticket to see Black Mass. The year’s best Boston film can be found online, for free, courtesy of Michael Bergin. He and his buddy Jay went on a Boston Harbor fishing trip, and brought along the essentials: Beer, Biggie, and… OH MY GOD, WHAT THE F*CK IS THAT F*CKING THING? It could be a sea turtle, or baby whale, or tuna, or maybe someone’s bloated body after they ate one too many breakfast sandwiches from Dunkin’ Donuts. Michael explores all the various possibilities, while swearing the entire f*cking time. It’s beautiful.
Some choice lines (translated from Boston to English):
-“It’s a baby f*cking whale, man.”
-“We are witnessing a baby f*cking whale right here, dude.”
-“Jay, that thing is hurting, bro.”
-“Oh my god, what the f*ck is that, bro?”
-“We’re seeing some sh*t we ain’t never seen before, kid.”
-“We gotta call the aquarium or something, dude.”
-“Jay, Jay, we could get some big money for that if it’s a f*cking fish, buddy.”
-“Let’s f*cking hook that sh*t, and we’ll be on the f*cking news.”
-“LOOK AT THAT, JAY,” repeated 37 times.
I am shocked that the video doesn’t end with Jay throwing Michael overboard.