BREAKING: Awful Person Looking For Roommate On Craigslist

As a general rule, the longer the Craigslist posting, the more likely the person posting is to be insane. For some reason, crazy people really just can’t stop typing, and this ad proves the point.

Posted on Boston’s CL subsite, and quickly spreading on Twitter and Boston blogs, this self-described “crabby, funny old bat” is apparently completely unaware that she sounds like the roommate from hell. But if you’re willing to bend over completely backwards to fit your life entirely around hers and let her live out her fantasy of running an English boarding house, hey, you can get an apartment for the exact same amount of rent most people who aren’t nuts pay in the exact same area!

The ad itself runs over two thousand words, but we’ll just offer a few excerpts from it to give you an idea of its epic nature:

Q: I would like to work at home. A: If by “work” you mean giving massages, doing therapy, selling insurance policies, or turning tricks… anything involving the presence of actual in-person clients or customers… then heck no. If by “work” you mean “connect to the internet and type on a laptop and/or yak on a cellphone” then sure, but you should obtain your own high-speed internet service.

It’s worth noting that, with the weird way Boston has its cable system laid out, this might not actually be possible depending on the house.

Q: I am a vegetarian. A: I will not slaughter livestock in the house, nor have an ox roasting over a spit. Occasionally I will roast a chicken or make a meat-based dish. Mostly I cook vegetarian at home; but not always. The cats, however, eat meat twice a day. They need something called “taurine” which only meat provides.

Taurine comes standard in even cheap-ass cat food. Hey, speaking of cats…

I will not accept any pet that is not up to my exacting standards for pet behavior. Yet I have an emotionally needy yet very smart (and snuggly) cat who can annoy the *@&! out of you, if you don’t care for cats; and he is the apple of my eye. Sometime soon I will be adopting a second shelter cat to keep him company. They must be treated with love and respect, but also a certain firmness so they do not get out of hand. I would appreciate your caring for them when I am away, and I’ll do the same for you.

In other words, living there makes it your job to care for her pets.

Q: I love TV. A: I’m happy for you. We all need something to love. However, I don’t care for too much TV, except. of course, for my one incredibly silly show that I enjoy. If you can keep it to an hour a day and not have blast-em-up shootout/scream type shows going after 10 pm I can tolerate your TV. If you are a TV addict, best keep looking elsewhere. If you like to watch TV in the late late late hours… you will need earphones.

In roommate relationships, there’s no such thing as compromise.

This isn’t even getting into her refusal to, say, let you bring your own furniture, or the fact that you can’t smoke at all, anywhere, because she hates even the hint of the smell, or the fact that she expects people to not use air conditioning in summer in New England, which is A) usually insanely humid and B) lately brushing up against the triple digits. In fact, Boston had an 80-degree heat wave in March.

But, hey, $650! That’s exactly what you’d pay to get a room in the area with people who aren’t abusive and controlling!