Congress Considers Dropping $1 Bills In Exchange For Coins, Strippers Cringe At Thought

Somewhere along the way, America ran up a national debt. Blame it on whatever you want, but it’s there and now American lawmakers are looking to cut costs any way they can. Hence, the Government Accountability Office’s idea to discontinue $1 bills and replace them with $1 coins.

According to the AP, the switch would save taxpayers $4.4 billion over the next 30 years and would be the first drastic change to U.S. coins in over 50 years. Certain lawmakers have championed the move, but others, alas, have a laundry list of complaints, which include the fact that coins are a b*tch to carry and would make Americans more Canadian (Canadians have the “Loony,” a $1 coin which they absolutely adore–we assume).

But no other group will damn the proposed change to Hell with more tenacity than America’s favorite women and men of the night: strippers. Just think about how fundamentally different strip clubs would be with $1 coins. How would one even pay for the services of an exotic dancer? Would you drop a coin into a stand like you’re paying for the bus? Would bouncers come around with baskets, collecting coins like altar boys at Catholic mass? Or would customers simply slide a nice, shiny coin into a stripper’s sl…

You know what? It’s all too much at this point. Heads might explode at the thought of a newly re-imagined strip club universe. This is now an existential crisis, fiscal responsibility be damned.