Conker’s Early Version Was Sickeningly Sweet

Senior Contributor
09.19.12 4 Comments

Conker’s Bad Fur Day was a victim of shoddy marketing, but the drunken, profane, womanizing squirrel starring in a satire of cutesy platformers has a soft spot in my heart. The fact that the game itself was a pretty good action platformer also helps.

But originally it was going to be the most stick-icky sweety knockoff of Mario any company had ever farted out.

Fan site Rare Minion has finally dug out actual gameplay footage of Twelve Tales: Conker 64, the original, family-friendly game. Before I show it to you, here’s a taste of the game as it was released:

Yes, for those who have not played it, one boss character is a turd that sings opera. Believe it or not, that’s not even the most disgusting joke in the game. Don’t think it’s all toilet humor, though: The ending of the game is pretty bleak and depressing.

So Rare ended up there, but they started here:

Yes, it opens with a present that when opened, fires out rainbows. Conker goes “yeeheehee!” It’s kind of amazing that the developers didn’t wake up, see what they were making, and just spike the project completely because damn, who could blame them?

There is no word on another Conker game ever happening and it seems unlikely ever to. Maybe it’s for the best. Microsoft has bought Rare to focus on kids’ games, renewal of the Killer Instinct trademark aside, and we’re a little afraid the brass will see Twelve Tales and think “Yeah! That’s what we want!”

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