For six months Pat Maahs thought the coffee at work didn’t taste good. In her own words, she thought it was just “spoiled.” Unfortunately for Maahs there was something much more sinister going on. One day she returned to her desk only to find a coworker pleasuring himself and ultimately ejaculating into her coffee.
Maahs found the remnants of his climax all over her desk.
“He looked over his shoulder, and the deer-in-the-headlights look and promptly left the room,” she said. “And when he left the room, I looked down at the desk and here was a puddle on the desk.”
Sure, a coworker masturbating into your coffee is pretty damn bizarre. But wait, this story takes a more unbelievable turn. After admitting to his wrongdoing, the man was charged with two counts of criminal sexual conduct. The case however was thrown out when the judge couldn’t find a sex law on the books that “covered the behavior.” In other words, this was so damn weird and so damn out of the ordinary that the state of Minnesota didn’t know how to classify it. The state of Minnesota had no idea how to deal with a man who masturbates into people’s refreshments.
Not long after the judge threw the case out, Representative Debra Hilstrom worked to close this glaring loophole.
“This just says if you put your bodily fluids in someone else’s food, that counts for criminal sexual conduct as well,” Hilstrom said.
The bill is in the Minnesota legislature for now. If it passes, masturbating into someone’s coffee (among other things) would be a felony. You would also have to register as a sex offender – and a disgusting human being. Unfortunately we don’t have registries for that.