So this happened.
Wired asked a couple filmmakers how they would reboot the Terminator franchise. (Another reboot? Already?) Paul W.S. Anderson gave a serious answer but we’re not going to cover that because we stopped taking this franchise seriously when McG got involved and even less so when Universal wanted the director of three Fast and Furious movies to handle the next movie. (It hurts less when you don’t care. Am I talking about beloved franchises or my sex life? I’ve lost track. How do I get out of this sentence?)
The other guy Wired spoke to was Damon Lindelof (Lost), whose Terminator pitch needs to be made yesterday:
The whole “dark depressing futuristic apocalypse” thing is played out. Enough with the machines driving over human skulls. We need us some COMEDY. Look at those numbers for Bridesmaids and Hangover 2. Can you imagine the box office if those movies had HOMICIDAL ROBOTS in them?!? And since we’re evoking Arnold’s work already (evoking is free, by the way—suck it, lawyers), why not combine Terminator with Schwarzenegger’s greatest comedic work?
Yeah. That’s right. Kindergarten frigging Cop.
Buckle up. Here comes the gold.
Humans in dystopian future learn that a Terminator traveled back in time and impregnated a woman, resulting in a half-cybernetic child that will grow up to be humankind’s DESTROYER! But due to technological ineptitude, we can’t lock down the mother’s identity (and thus the kid’s), narrowing their whereabouts to a school in a pleasant coastal town.
And so our story begins as a gruff, futuristic badass with great comedic chops (we’re screwed if the Rock says no) representing the hopes of all humanity travels back to 2012 to identify the half-Terminator 5-year-old by substituting as a kindergarten teacher. And then, after a series of comedic misunderstandings? Kill the little bastard.
If there were any justice, all pitches ending in “when the kid gets shot in the face we do it in a classy way” would get greenlit before any more Fast and Furious movies.