“Everything Wrong With ‘Cloverfield'” Doesn’t Go Nearly Far Enough

Yep, CinemaSins is back again, this time with a lengthy disassembling of Cloverfield. One problem: It doesn’t go nearly far enough.

First, the video:

As the team over at CS notes, this might be the most well-marketed movie ever made. I know it fooled me. And I still turn gray with rage whenever it’s mentioned to this day.

The fundamental problem of Cloverfield is that it works on the assumption that we go to see giant monster movies because of the people in them. Nobody goes to see a Godzilla movie because of the annoying kid or the demure young psychic who will inevitably speak for the monster. Nobody cares. The people are disposable. Face it, Bryan Cranston in the new Godzilla movie is just a nice bonus; his role could be played by Frankie Muniz and we’d still go see it. Giant monster movies exist because of giant monsters.

So what does this movie do? Put the most moronic monster targets this side of the Scooby Doo team front and center. Seriously, this is every moment in the plot: “But, Rob, we’re going to go do something insanely dangerous and there’s a safer way of doing it right over he-” “DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND I LOVE HER?”

Seriously, Rob’s the real monster. His short-sightedness and stupidity kills a whole bunch of people. The monster was trying to save Manhattan from this idiot, and there was just a lot of collateral damage.

But at least Michael Giacchino got to compose a really awesome piece of music for it. So it’s not a total wash.