Facebook Fail-Log: June Edition

Last month, we had a future alcoholic being a jerk to his mom, a current alcoholic learning the hard way she shouldn’t check in to every location, and somebody who will become an alcoholic once he learns the double meaning of the term “facial”.
We thought Facebook couldn’t get more outrageous. We were wrong. We were really, really wrong. How wrong?
Welcome to our double-sized edition of the Fail-log!
What, you were expecting a pop quiz in math to go anywhere other than horribly, horribly wrong! You fool! You foolish fool!
You know what? I’m A-OK with not knowing. I would have been A-OK with you never posting this. In other news, this guy’s girlfriend is probably dead.
Attention whores complaining about other attention whores never ever gets tiresome. But only because their shirts are usually off.
Wait, isn’t that how Suge Knight got the rights to Vanilla’s one hit album? Smashing in his back doors and dangling him off a balcony?
Normally I’d say Red is a terrible person, but as vague status updates are loathsome and those who deploy them for attention should be driven from Facebook with torches, instead I applaud him and encourage him to keep it up.
See, kids, this is why you should pay close attention during English class. The last thing you want is to become a pathetic cartoon of your own political beliefs, like these people.
You know, it may be TMI, it may be oversharing, but I’ve got to admit: that’s a good point.
List of things with more street cred than Derek and Samantha:
Noel Coward plays
White people playing Marvin Gaye songs as elevator music
To be fair, this has to be the least crappy parent we have ever featured here. Not that that’s saying terribly much, but she at least outranks the parents feeding the baby beer.
If that’s not deliberate, Derek and Samantha have street cred.
One of these days, Facebook will implement an irony filter. Only then will smug idiots be safe.
Really, the only way this could be any better would be if the two statuses were actually right next to each other. Facebook, where is that hypocrisy filter? Smug idiots desperately need your help!
Part of us thinks the reason that companies have Facebook customer service reps is solely to capture statuses like this and post them internally to the company break room. It should be legal, when you find statuses like this, to let the company employees feed on schmucks like this like a pack of dogs. Shaming is glorious when it’s not happening to us, after all.
You know, there is literally nothing I can add that will make this funnier.
Too wordy of a response. Next time, just post this cliche on their Wall and move on:
“Oh. We can withhold that for you, if you like…we guess…?”
Stupid British people, don’t you know all tough people are American, and we’re just pretending to be other nationalities to make you feel better about yourselves?
Some things can be forgiven. This…just…no. What the hell is wrong with you, Kayla? Your cleavage tells me you’re a good person! You can still come back from this terrible, terrible mistake!
One of these people is getting an inheritance. The other is not. Can you guess which one?
That’s it for this month, thank God. Our games of “guess which hole is bleeding” and “guess how whitebread Derek and Samantha really are” come courtesy of Failbook and Lamebook. Until next month, don’t be a hypocrite, don’t be an idiot, and if you’re not sure of the answer, use a calculator.