For years, the “Like” button had been the only option for responding to posts on Facebook. But approximately one year ago, everything changed. Facebook came up with a solution, providing users with “Love,” “Haha,” “Wow,” “Sad,” and “Angry” reactions to convey the myriad of emotions that your friends and family’s posts elicit. And the people did rejoice. Because they really didn’t have the option to do otherwise since a “Dislike” button was not included thanks to a perverse desire to hobble natural reactions. “Dislike” isn’t the only option that everyday users are still pining for, though. Here are a few reaction emojis that could help you tell people how you really feel.
People take great pains to curate their lives for Facebook. You are getting the best they have to offer (in most cases). This means that, at some point, you will be mad jelly. Fact. Deep down, you don’t “Like” that your friend went on a tropical vacation. You would gladly boot her right out of that sun chair and plant yourself in it. Sure, envy and coveting are biblically frowned upon, but so is lying. Just be honest.
Are You Drunk?
The space where TMI meets WTF is filled with drunks and they LOVE posting misspelled nonsense on Facebook. It’s the new drunk dial. Wouldn’t it be great if there was an intermediary who could ask them, “Do you really want your family or your boss to know you “looooooove mojitos?” Well, there isn’t, so this would be the next best thing.
The Middle Finger
You know those moments. You hear the soapbox dragging across the pavement. Your teeth begin to grind as you scroll through another political screed, another long love letter to the person your cousin has been dating for a month, and another passive aggressive repost challenging you to prove that you hate cancer. On one hand, you could just mute them, but where is the satisfaction in that?
Hey, you know what isn’t fun? Playing the “What’s wrong?” game on Facebook. Status updates with nebulous references to shady dealings and emotional distress leave people confused about whether or not to ask what’s going on, and what’s the point? All vaguebooking roads lead back to “Nothing. I’m fine.” I see your attention seeking post and I raise you a specific call-out.
There isn’t a humblebrag uttered that doesn’t richly deserve an eyeroll reaction. “I just can’t decide what job to take. Why is life so hard?” Eyeroll. “I am running out of places to put all the gifts my boyfriend brings me.” Eyeroll. “I can never find pants that fit over my huge d*ck.” EYEROLL. Have you ever used the hashtag #blessed? This eyeroll is for you.
Did someone on your feed just mention, offhandedly, that the earth is flat? Has someone else denied that HIV exists? How about that guy who doesn’t believe in science? The facepalm is the perfect reaction to people who aren’t smart enough to follow the argument you want to start with them.
A good rule of thumb is that no one needs to know what comes out of you. If you need to narrate—in painstaking detail—passing gas, moving your bowels, losing your mucus plug, puking your guts out, drunkenly peeing in public, menstruating like a boss, birthing a child, or hacking up goo, you are the reason for this button. Stop it; you’re gross.
Do you ever sit at the computer trying to formulate a response and all you can think of is, “This is bullsh*t.”? You could go look up all the facts and copy all of the links and show them all your receipts, but has anyone on Facebook ever been swayed by that? Correction: has a jerk on Facebook ever been swayed by that? Nope. Save your time and hit the poop.
How can people post daily pictures of their morning juice? What about reports of every hike they take? How many pictures of the same kid at the same pumpkin patch need to be uploaded? You know these people: they are belligerently mundane, and you are thinking about them by name right this minute.
Flagged for Research
Your co-worker Cindy really needs to show you a picture that proves MAC tests its products on cats strapped immobile to boards. Cindy thinks she is an animal rights warrior. Cindy is an idiot who didn’t do a quick Google search to discover the image was from a mass spay and neuter event. The fact check button: when getting a link from Snopes would take too long.
[Editor’s note: Wasn’t this the quaint little entry from the spring of 2016? Here in the post-2016 election muck, we know all too well how badly we needed a “Flagged For Research” button. Would have been super useful when your uncle kept re-posting those Hillary-Clinton-is-a-lizard-person articles that were trending. That’s a joke, of course, the actual fake news posts were far less cartoonishly unbelievable, which allowed them to spread like wildfire. Thankfully, Facebook actually created something along these lines. Better late than never… I suppose.]
This is an updated version of a post that originally ran in March of 2016.